


Our Song

by Obsessiveangel



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: AU, Angst, F/M, Fluff, Idol AU, i'll add more tags when i start getting to other characters i suppose
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-09
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2018-10-29 22:43:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10863615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obsessiveangel/pseuds/Obsessiveangel
Summary: Hinami is a normal college student leading a normal, happy life. Ayato is an idol drowning in fame and fortune who suffers from sleepless nights and unforgettable nightmares. They meet through a variety show that gives Hinami the chance to sing with him. Initially bitter that she wasn’t given the chance to sing with her bias, Kaneki, Hinami starts to warm up to Ayato and sees the real person beyond the sexy bad boy he appears to be onstage.





	1. Thanks To

**Author's Note:**

> Ayahina idol AU I came up with together with a mutual on tumblr! Do follow my tumblr (@lilacwrites) for more updates on the fic!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinami’s given a chance to sing with an idol on national television during a variety show. She’s nervous and worried that she’ll make a fool of herself. And to make matters worse, the person who’ll be onstage with her is none other than Kirishima Ayato, the main dancer and rapper of the idol group Goat. Guys like him are always never a good thing, right?

Hinami’s heart is practically pounding non-stop in her chest. For a moment, she wonders if it’s humanly possible for a rib or two to snap in the process. It’s a stupid thought but at least it keeps her mind of the impending situation, even if it’s for a brief second. But it isn’t long before she finds her mind wandering back into the forbidden territory, and along with that, her heart’s ministrations resumes.

_Ah, no no. Calm down, Hinami._

She shakes her head and slaps her cheeks. She needs to get ahold of herself-- _desperately_. Or she’s going to make a fool of herself on stage. In front of an idol. On national television.

_That won’t be good, not at all._

She’s still doubting herself, wondering if she’s living a dream even when she is being led through the hallways of the studio. She enters the waiting room with her heart in her mouth. Her hands clasp together, fingers digging into her skin— she really shouldn’t be doing that, or she’ll end up bruising her skin. How appropriate will it be for her to be in the presence of an idol, an icon of beauty and grace, with bruised knuckles? 

_Completely inappropriate._

Hinami wasn’t give a long time to prepare or get accustomed to the thought that she— a simple, inconsequential nobody called Fueguchi Hinami that goes the most normal of colleges, has a typical part-time job at an unconventional cafe and lives a boring, unexciting life with her parents— got chosen out of thousands of fans and was granted the once in a lifetime chance to not only sing by the side of her idol, but also share a sacred moment with him backstage after filming.

Her heart is going to break right out of its constraints at this rate. 

Hinami isn’t the kind of fan that bulk buys albums and merchandises. Her walls have a couple of posters up, but she doesn't fill every inch of them with pictures of her idols, nor does she collects every single merchandise available. She is a fan, but a mere ordinary fan with not enough money and time to devote herself wholeheartedly and completely to the life of fangirling. She’s your typical fan and honestly, she wonders if someone else deserves the experience more than she does. Even the application video she sent for this particular event wasn't done wholeheartedly. Sure, she sang her best and tried to capture it as best as she could with her phone’s camera in the terrible lighting and sound conditions of her room but she did it just for the fun of it. A few of her friends were sending in their videos as well. None of them expected to win. They just did it.

But she was chosen. She, out of thousands of fans who applied— many of whom even went so far as to buy a proper camera and microphone and rent proper studios for their videos— ended up being chosen.

And if she has to be honest, Hinami was— just a tad bit— disappointed. Sure, Goat has been an increasingly popular group, with their music taking the world by storm, especially after their latest album which won them quite a bit of awards. However, just like most fans, Hinami has particular tastes when it comes to the members. When she heard that she would be given the chance to perform alongside a member of Goat, she prayed to all deities to get a chance to sing with her favourite member— Goat’s one and only leader and main vocal, Kaneki Ken. But maybe giving her this chance was far too much for Fate to manage. Hinami has never been a lucky girl. 

Even then, getting a chance to sing with a member from Goat, even if he is her least favourite member, meant _something._ Plus, she isn't going to just sing with him, she gets some time to interact with him as well. Not to mention, at one point in time, she did have her eyes out for him. In fact, he was the reason she even paid any attention to Goat during their debut.

In the end, she still gets to sing with Kirishima Ayato, Goat’s rapper and main dancer and the brother of legendary soloist Kirishima Touka. She’s never been one for bad-boy type idols, but she has to admit that Ayato has the perfect appearance and aura to pull the image off perfectly. His clothing style reveals enough to tease but leaves a lot still to the imagination of the fans. His faces range from a couple of intense glares and gazes, with the occasional bored expressions, particularly reserved for promotional period variety shows. He never says much, but when he does, it’s always something brutal enough to cause laughs but never to the point it’ll hurt someone. His raps are catchy and his fluid dance moves have a strange allure to them. 

But he’s just not the kind of person Hinami looks up to.

“This is the girl who’s going up next.” Hinami is lightly pushed forward towards a particular woman and she snaps out of her thoughts and finds herself back in reality. The woman nods at her and offers her a warm smile, reaching out her hand.

“Hello. My name’s Nishino Kimi, Goat’s manager. You must be Fueguchi Hinami, right?” she asked. Hinami nods and takes her hand, shaking it a little hesitantly. Despite her smile, Nishino Kimi exhibits an intimidating disposition which makes Hinami shrink back while speaking to her. It’s probably unintentional-- just her being professional-- but Hinami’s mind starts raking up more worries and a thought which never crossed her mind before surfaces.

_What if I mess up?_

Her blood runs cold and her throat goes dry. She realises that she’s been so caught up with thinking about sing with an _idol_ that she didn't realise that she is going to be _singing_ with an idol. Music lessons in school and brief karaoke escapades with her friends aside, Hinami has never sung in public before— what more in front of a large audience (no one’s even talking about national TV here). 

What if her voice cracks when she’s doing a high note? What if she’s so nervous she’s unable to let out her voice? What if she falls on stage? What if she messes up in front of him? She’s going to be with _Ayato_ out of all Goat members? What will he think of her? Guys like that are usually mean and cruel. What if he acts like some kind of jerk to her? She wonders if she’ll be able to deal with it, not to mention all those comments she’ll receive from fans on social media and forum pages. Maybe she should consider deactivating her accounts for a moment, just until enough time has passed for people to forget her.

She feels a light squeeze on her shoulder and she looks up to see Nishino flashing her a calm smile. “Relax, it’ll be fine. I’m sure you’ll do great. Your application video was perfect,” she said. Hinami’s heart skips a beat a little at the smile, but she feels whatever little confidence she had deflate from those words. These people already knew her. They probably have high hopes for her.

“But singing on stage… I don't know if I can… I didn't expect this, I mean this—”

“It just hit you that you’re going to be on stage, right? Don't worry. It’s always like that, even for idols,” Nishino explains. Hinami doubts this and Nishino seems to notices it. She pats Hinami’s shoulder lightly, chuckling softly. “Look, you know Touka, right? She’s such a big idol who’s so talented and popular but even she gets nervous before every stage and she’s been on them for years.”

_Touka? Kirishima Touka?_

Hinami sucks in her breath. “R-Really? T-Touka as well?”

Nishino laughs again. “Are you a fan of her?”

“Y-Yes! I’ve loved her ever since I heard her during her debut,” Hinami explains.

“Ohh, that long? You must be really excited to get to meet her brother then,” Nishino laughs slightly. She pats Hinami’s shoulder again, before nodding towards the direction of the stage. Hinami’s heart sinks once again— if it is even possible— as she realise it’s finally time.

_I think I’m going to throw up._

Nishino pushes her lightly, ushering her to the doorway which leads to the stage. Hinami forces the lump in her throat down. Her throat is so dry. How is she supposed to sing? She considers asking for a glass of water but her churning stomach makes her reconsider. If she has anything in there, she probably might actually throw up.

She takes a deep breath, before stepping out. She’s first greeted with lights. Bright and direct, they almost seemed blinding. It’s not until she has taken a few steps forward that her eyes settle and she’s able to see before her. The set, as she has expected, was elaborate and grand, decorated with neon signages in the back and alongside the stage. It takes a while for her to register the screaming and chanting of fans and Hinami realises that she had been too deep in her own little world of worries for her to have noticed them initially.

It takes Hinami a whole lot longer to realise that Ayato is right in front of her. When she finally does notice him, their eyes had met and they were standing mere inches apart. Beside them, the host is saying something, but his words are completely lost to her. It feels, to her, that the world has paused for a moment-- so did her body. Her heart, which has been beating rapidly, suddenly doesn't exist anymore. The butterflies in her stomach have left. Her mind is a blank slate, vacant of thoughts and emotions. For a slight moment, it doesn't matter if she isn't with her favourite member of Goat because she’s standing right by a famous idol. She’s close enough to touch him. She can see the things she never would have noticed from watching him behind a screen or from afar in a concert— like the way his mouth twitches upwards whenever a fan screams his name, the way his hands behind his back fidgets a little and the way his body sways and quivers despite his confident posture.

It hits her all of her sudden— her idols are real and very much human. The knowledge eases her a little, but immediately after that, she feels herself overflowing with worries. It feels like all the burdens initially weighing on her shoulder had not only returned ten times their initial weight, but whoever tossed them back at her had made sure to slap her in the face with them as well. If he is very much human, his judgement of her will be very much human as well. If she messes up, she’ll probably never be able to live with it.

“Ms… Fueguchi, right?”

Hinami almost jumps when the host calls her name out. She realises she’s been staring at Ayato. She’s on camera, which means the entire country— maybe even the world— is able to bear witness to the once in a lifetime display of Fueguchi Hinami openly gawking at the beautiful creature before her. She wishes she can bury herself right there and then. She’s been to fan meets before but even then, she’s never been given the chance to actually go up to them due to various circumstances. This is the only chance she has ever gotten to be so close to an idol but it doesn't seem to be off to a good start. She can simply picture it— everyone mocking and laughing at her online for the way she’s staring at him, probably calling her thirsty and other words Hinami hates to even think about. Why does online communities always have to be irrationally mean? Hinami considers deactivating her social media accounts once more.

“Are you ready?” the host— what is his name again? Yoshimura or something?— asks. He’s holding a mic out at her. Hinami stares at him for a moment, focusing on his elderly face to calm herself down by forcefully trying to forget the breathtakingly gorgeous being beside her. She nods and reaches over to take the mic from him. The host gives her a smile, partly reassuring and partly sympathetic, before he turns to walk away. He’s probably seen thousands of fans like her already. He must be used to dealing with shaky and nervous girls.

Hinami realises once again that that’s all she is-- a normal nobody. 

The lights slowly dimms and Hinami hears the soft melody playing, building up in tempo and volume. Hinami chokes slightly and she makes a drastic mistake of turning to look at him. Their eyes meet once again and she freezes.

_I’m going to make a fool of myself._

She wants to die just there and then. Someone please just take her and cremate her stiff body. Bury her ashes in the middle of the Sahara desert. Just make it so that she’s never found again.

Ayato smiles slightly at her, nodding as he raises his own mic to his mouth. She’s glad it begins with his part. She has more time to orientate herself. But is it really possible for her to do that when she’s watching him live right before her? The gentle smile he gave her instantly vanishes the moment he lets his voice out. His eyes harden to their usual cold and aloof look and whatever small twitches and fidgets from earlier on had vanished completely, morphing into more confident strides and movements. He doesn’t dance like he usually does but it still feels like he’s dancing anyway. He’s gliding from one spot to another on stage perfectly.

It takes another moment to register that the song she’s supposed to be singing with him is _Our Song_ , the promoted track from the album he released along with his sister as the sub-unit Rabbit. She’s going to have to sing his sister’s parts— Kirishima Touka’s parts. Her body freezes again. Is she really going to be able to do this? Why had she been so obsessed with the thought of singing with an idol that she hadn't thought about these important bits the past two weeks?

As Ayato reaches the end of his rap, his attention turns away from the audience and to her. For the third time that day, they lock eyes. His intense gaze sends a chill down her spine but it vanishes instantly the moment his look softens into a more amiable one. He’s still rapping into his mic but it seems like his focus is now completely on her. Hinami shrinks back a little, conscious of how she’s appearing in front of someone that popular and important. He reaches his hand out to her and instantly, she wants to die again.

The fans are screaming and Hinami knows that she’s going to be bombarded with hate messages and death wishes if she rejects his warm gesture. She takes the gloved hand and lets him pull her closer to the center of the stage— closer to him. It might seem to the other fans as a typical idol-fan bonding moment. Idols are always holding and shaking hands with fans during fan-meets and concerts anyway. But Hinami feels the slight, reassuring squeeze he gives her and, as cliched and far-fetched as it may seem, his small gesture is enough to give her strength, even if it’s just a bit. She raises the mic to her mouth, running the lyrics through her mind and sings.

This song is their song— his and his sister’s. She’s singing with him but even then, she doesn't want to taint it. She has to give it her all. When she finally sings out the first line, she’s appalled and horrified. Her voice shakes from the very beginning. She notices a slight crack at the second word. The mic changes her voice so much she sounds like a squawking parrot calling out for its next meal. Right there and then, Hinami wants to collapse and break down into tears. She feels too miserable to move or sing any longer. She did it— she made a fool of herself on national television, in front of Kirishima Ayato. She’s going to end up a laughing stock for the next few weeks. She won’t ever be able to show up for any fan event without being recognised. Screw that, everyone at school will end up watching the broadcast and there’s no way she’s ever going to hear the end of it.

_It’s over._

She pauses her singing at the instrumental segment, drowning in the silence of the audience. Are they too disgusted to say anything? She prepares herself for the upcoming onslaught of boos and curses. She takes a deep breath, builds a wall around her heart and soul. She needs to prepare herself. She has to protect herself. She—

The sudden burst of screams and cries takes her completely by surprise. Hinami’s head snaps up immediately and sees fans waving their hands. Some are standing. Some are jumping. No one seems disappointed at all. All the fans are satisfied. Many are even enjoying it. Hinami can’t believe the sight before her. There’s no way they enjoyed her singing, right? How can they? Her voice trembled and cracked. She sounded hideous. Do they know nothing about music? Even if they are fooled, Ayato would have realised, right? He would have been able to tell how bad she was.

_Ayato, he—_

She turns to him and their eyes meet once again. His eyes are open wide, his jaws slack. It takes a moment of staring, along with the increasing tempo of the instrumentals, for his expression to morph into a wide smile.

“Amazing,” he whispers. That’s the first time she hears his voice in person, without a mic ravaging it. She feels like she’s combusting on the spot. His voice is silky and soothing. Even though he isn't singing, it’s music to her ears. She can tell from his reaction that she's simply overreacting and that everything was probably working out fine. There’s no way he’s faking any of it.

Ayato pulls her closer slightly, chuckling as he raises his mic. He’s still holding her hand but she can feel him tightening his grip. For a moment, she chooses to forget the difference between them and she lets herself lace her fingers between his. She feels his skin through the openings in his gloves— smooth and soft to the touch— and she curses mentally at the offending piece of leather keeping their hands from meeting completely.

The chorus is coming. They’re going to have to sing together. Hinami has another brief bout of worry, despite her revived confidence mere minutes ago. But Ayato’s still smiling at her and she finds it hard to believe that this person is Kirishima Ayato. There’s no hints of coldness and aloofness from him at all. He’s genuinely smiling at her and she can detect his sincere wish for her to calm down and enjoy herself. 

_He is... a pretty nice guy, I suppose._

There’s no way she’s going to mess this up. She can’t. Won’t he be disappointed if she dashes his expectations right after building such a solid first impression?

_I have to do this._

Hinami takes a deep breath again, stares into his eyes and gives all that she’s got. Their voices intertwine and while it sounds nothing like how breathtaking it was when he sang with his sister, Hinami finds that they’re producing an exquisite rendition of the song. 

_I guess, there are many kinds of music after all._


	2. Wow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ayato’s amazed by the girl before him, who sings his song with the emotions he himself dreams of expressing. He can’t get her out of his mind. Will he be able to keep it together when he’s alone with her? I mean, come on, this is Ayato we’re talking about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry! I didn't notice the weird formatting initially, but I edited it already. :)

He’s awestruck. For a moment, Ayato loses track of time and space. He’s no longer standing onstage in front of a crowd of god-knows how many people. He’s just there, with her, drowning in a voice so angelic that he simply can’t tear his attention away. He’s been told that he’s going to be singing with a fan, but he wasn’t given any other information about her. He didn’t even know her name until her name was announced on the show. And if Fueguchi Hinami and that face of hers wasn’t beautiful enough, her voice completely enraptured him.

Ayato finds himself struggling to come into terms with the fact that Hinami is just a normal girl who’s never been given official training as a singer. He struggles to force himself back into reality, to step out of that makeshift fantasy where it’s just the two of them and she’s singing just for him. He struggles to tear his eyes away from her glimmering brown ones and to give some attention to the fans in the audience as well.

But he doesn’t have the will not to keep turning back to her. He’s lost count of how many times they’ve made and held eye contact. He’s aware of their fingers intertwined, clasping far too tightly for two strangers to be holding each other. She probably thinks of him as an idol— simply as someone to look up to. But Ayato wonders if it’s possible for him to get her out of his mind, especially not after she’s fully had his recognition for the way she presents herself onstage (and her voice— oh fucking god).

She attempts Touka’s high note and while it’s not the best, he can’t help but stare with mouth agape. Hinami is practically killing it. She’s perfect. She is beyond amateurish. Her voice suits the song so perfectly despite how it is completely different from the original. She conveys the very emotion Ayato had hoped to expressed when he penned the lyrics down. Her body sways along with the rhythm sensually, yet completely innocently— the exact image Touka was going for when she composed it. Ayato’s at a complete loss for words. Even though he’s the idol and she’s the normal girl, he suddenly feels small and irrelevant in her presence.

Hinami probably doesn't know, just like every other fan out there doesn’t. The song she’s singing goes beyond a mere break-up song everyone had easily dubbed it as when they were promoting it. To him and his sister, it’s more. It’s a message to someone which they worked hard at day after day, shedding blood, sweat and tears till the darkest hours of the night. Of course, they’ve never mentioned it to anyone outside the agency, in an attempt at guarding an element of sanctity to the song.

But for Ayato, who knows the true meaning of those words she’s reciting and understands the exact emotions and story the song was portraying, the performance has him mesmerised. He’s so close to collapsing onto his knees. In a way, it’s overwhelming. Her voice brings memories to his head, things he rather not remember and all he can do is to focus his mind on her to block them out. But unlike most days, it’s much easier a task to do. It doesn't take much for her to have his complete attention.

He’s never happy when he sings _Our Song._ He can never enjoy it. But for now, for the first time since he recorded it, it doesn't cause lumps to rise up in his throat, nor does it cause tears to gather in his eyes.

Because he simply can’t stop staring.

He knows he has an image to maintain. He knows he has to keep the audience entertained, but he’s simply too bewitched to keep track of that. To think that it had taken Kimi so much just to convince him to come on the show.

“You’re going to have to go, since the organisers really want someone from our team. But Kaneki has to prepare for a music show on the same day and both Tsukiyama and Nishiki are filming other stuff. It has to be you,” she had said. Even after he had agreed to it, Ayato had spent his time trying to think up possible excuses to escape this little event, even if it was the only thing on his schedule for the weeks to come. It’s a simple variety show where they invite fans onstage to sing with their idols. The fans were chosen through some selection process but there’s no guarantee that they’ll perform well onstage, especially when you take into account stage fright and nervousness.

Not to mention, what stupid idea is it to let the fan have a moment with the idol alone afterwards as a small reward? What is the fan ends up being some psycho? 

When he looked at Hinami in the beginning, he had dismissed her ability initially. She probably wouldn't be able to do well. Her unease was practically on display for the whole world the moment she took her first step out. Not to mention, her eyes were practically glued on him the entire time she was being introduced.

_Heh, figures._

But when Hinami sang, it was Ayato’s turn to stare.

Hinami ends the song with her sweet, delicate voice. She sounds nothing like she did in the beginning. She wraps it up with complete poise and confidence, her earlier inhibitions seemingly vanished. The moment had felt like forever, but even then Ayato is left yearning for more. It isn't enough. He wants to hear more of her voice. He wants her to sing even more. He’s right on the verge of requesting another performance with her. He doesn't care if he makes a fool of himself. He just wants to sing with her more.

_I must be going insane._

He doesn't get a chance to sing with her again. As soon as the song is over, Hinami gives a bow. She pulls her hand away from his and he itches to reach out to her. His hand feels cold and empty, even when enclosed in a leather glove.

_Come on, one more song!_

Ayato doesn't say anything, not even when Yoshimura returns to the stage to continue his hosting, congratulating Hinami and taking the mic from her. Hinami clasps her mouth and she takes a couple more bows. She turns to face Ayato and Ayato stiffens.

“Thank you very much,” she says, bowing once to him.

_You did well._

The words die on his tongue as he stands there, a moron at a complete loss for words. She raises her head and their eyes meet for one last time. Her eyes are alluring, he notices. They look like the colour of a warm cup of cappuccino and Ayato loves cappuccino— it’s his favourite drink. Her pupils sparkle at him, occasionally impeded with her eyelids whenever she blinks. He doesn't really care much about it, because when she looks at him through the strands of her eyelashes, it feels like his body has completely run cold.

Ayato feels like a complete idiot. He’s staring helplessly at Hinami for what feels like hours— though he knows it’s only been mere seconds. Yoshimura says something to her and Hinami laughs a little— a fragile, soft laugh with her eyes closed and her hand over her mouth.

_Cute._

Hinami gives one final bow to the audience before she turns towards the exit. Ayato watches her go, her already small body fading off into the distance before she’s enveloped by the darkness of the doorway. His mind is blank for a moment— he can’t remember what exactly he’s doing. The only thing he is fully aware off is the song running through his mind. _Our Song_ — only it’s Hinami singing and not Touka.

“Ayato?”

“Huh? What?” It takes a moment for him to snap back into reality, another longer moment for him to recall that he’s still on stage. He looks at Yoshimura and forces out a blank expression. “Sorry, what?”

“Seems like someone has you completely bewitched. Is there going to be something for the fans to talk about these few days?” Cheeky as always, Yoshimura knows how to crack a joke. The audience roars in laughter, though Ayato knows very well that there are some out there probably seething.

“Ah, no, no,” he says, waving his hand slightly, as if literally dismissing the suggestion. “That girl can sing. I was surprised.”

“A wonderful voice. Our youth are truly filled with talent,” Yoshimura sighs in agreement.

The remaining of the shows passes in a breeze. Ayato’s glad he doesn't have to put up another performance. He can’t get her out of her head. Her voice keeps ringing in his ears and every time he closes his eyes, he sees her brown ones staring at him. He’s sure he must be going insane. She’s a fan, he’s an idol. They’re miles apart even when they’re right beside each other. He can’t afford to be swayed by every random girl he sees. Besides, after that day, what’s the chance of them even meeting again?

He knows he has one last chance to talk to her and he wants to make the most of it. He had cursed this segment initially, but now he’s thanking everything he can think of for giving him the chance to be alone with her. He’s barely able to keep his excitement in check as he heads to the room, glad that Nishino is away for some reason so he doesn’t have to deal with her barking instructions and nags at him. He’s able to fully focus her mind on her. 

_Fueguchi Hinami._

He can’t seem too eager. He has to tone his emotions down. He has an image to maintain, even though they’re going to be alone. This is still an official event— he has to keep up his professionalism. They’re meeting, not as two strangers, but as idol and fan.

He knocks on the door to the room before entering. She’s in there, waiting for him on the couch. The moment he steps in, she jumps to her feet, hands behind her.

“A-Ah!”

Ayato feels his knees go weak. He feels sweat on his palms and he itches to remove his glove. He sees his image flinging itself out of the window. There’s no way he’s going to be keeping any image when he’s with her. He’s an idol, yes, but he’s a human before and as most humans are, he’s at the mercy of his own heart and mind— both of which had fallen into shambles the moment their eyes met again.

He opens his mouth to say something, before shutting it immediately. He tries to calm himself down like he normally does— tries to think of lyrics to make him forget what’s before him. But it’s fruitless. He hears nothing, he sees nothing. His mind had collapsed when he saw her.

_Fuck, I’m really going crazy._

“Ah… Ayato…? Ah, can I call you that?” Hinami asks, clasping her hand over her mouth.

“No… It’s fine… You can call me… by my name. It’s fine.” He realises he’s stammering, but he can’t stop himself. To be honest, he doesn't care if she calls him by his name. No, scratch that, he wants her to call him by his name. He loves the way his name rolls off her tongue; he feels like he can spend the rest of his life merely listening to her voice.

_Ah, just kill me already._

“Erm… Fueguchi Hinami, right?” he asks.

“Yeah.” She shrinks back slightly when he speaks and brings her hand to tuck her hair behind a ear. “Hello. My name is Hinami. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Oh… Erm… I’m Kirishima Ayato.” It’s only after he’s said it that he realises how stupid it sounds.

Hinami laughs and she looks up at meet his eyes again. “I know that… But… erm, Ayato, why are you still standing there? Is this part of the arrangement?”

It takes him a moment to realise he’s still standing by the door, with his hand still on the doorknob of the opened door. Ayato feels his cheeks heat up and he hurries to slam the door shut and walk over to her. He takes a moment to contemplate where to stand, before he moves to sit on the couch where she had been sitting a short while ago. Hinami watches him in silence. He wonders what kind of face she’s putting on, but he can’t find the strength to look up at her. It feels like whatever is left of his sanity might just crumble.

_This is stupid. I’m stupid. This is a joke._

“You can sit… you know…” he says hesitantly. He hears a soft splutter, followed by a bout of giggles. It takes a moment for him to realise that she’s laughing and his head snaps up in confusion. He takes a look at her and he’s no longer a human with free will. Her eyes and narrowed into a part of slits. Her fists are brought up to her mouth. Her cheeks are dusted with pink. The surroundings radiate along with her laughter. Ayato feels like he’s enveloped in sunshine and warmth, despite them being in a building in the middle of winter, long past sunset.

“W-Wha…” He can’t find his voice and Hinami’s amusement heightens.

“No,” she says, still recovering from her giggles. “I just… I think I was such an idiot.”

_You’re no idiot!_ It surprises him how he’s quick to jump to her defence in his mind. He’s thankful he’s not stupid enough to say it out loud, but seeing the rate things are going, he might end up doing something as stupid like that to make a fool of himself.

“I was so worried about meeting you, because you’re always so intense and scary on stage,” Hinami admits. “I was worried you’ll be a jerk.”

“I-I am a jerk!” he insists and again, it takes a moment for the stupidity to sink in. _For fuck’s sake._

“You… seem so nice and friendly when we were singing together just now. I was worried that I would mess up and you or the fans would make fun of me or something. But you helped me get more confident and… and I realised you're a nice guy,” Hinami says, “and you’re so awkward now, it makes me feel better about how I feel.”

“Oh… No… You’re giving me too much credit,” he says, trying his best to dismiss her words despite the fact he’s swelling from them.

“I… I’ve been following you guys since debut. I really like your sister so I was interested when I heard her brother is going to be in Goat,” Hinami admits.

_Touka, again, huh?_

He hates how part of their fans were brought about by her. He hates how inadequate it makes him feel.

“Ah… really? Did I live up to expectations?” Ayato asks.

“Yeah… you did, I guess.”

_Ah, the usual hesitation appears._

“So… who’s your favourite member?” he asks. “I’ve interacted with enough fans to know roughly who’s fan someone is.”

Hinami cocks her head to the side. “Really? Who do you think I like?”

Ayato considers for a moment. He hasn't really gave it much thought, though her lack of insanity is evidence enough that her bias isn't him. He’s seen his fans before. If there’s anything that sets them apart from everyone else’s, it’s how crazy they are. It’s not a bad thing, though he has to admit dealing with them isn't refreshing either. He can never visit fansites without feeling the urge to apologise.

“Kaneki?” Ayato flings a guess. “I think you’re not the kind for cheeky bastards like Nishio or for weirdos like Tsukiyama. And you said I’m scary… so I’m guessing you’re a fan of that half-assed bastard.”

“Kaneki isn't a half-assed bastard!” Hinami scoffs, making a partly annoyed face, and it takes Ayato a moment to realise that he’s bee too free with his words.

“Ah! I mean… I’m sorry… Ah, yeah, Kaneki, right?”

“Can I be honest?” Hinami asks and Ayato nods. She laughs a little, bringing her hand to the back of her neck. “When I heard that I got this chance, I dropped by a church and a shrine.”

“Why?”

“Because I wanted to sing with Kaneki…” Hinami admits. They stare at each other for a moment and Hinami jumps a little. “Ah! But but, I didn't hate singing with you… Ah, don’t make such face. I really liked it.”

He wonders how his face looks.

“I know. You could barely control how nervous you were. I could feel you staring at me onstage,” Ayato admits. “But you did well.”

“R-Really?” she squeaks.

“Yes, really.” Ayato realises that she’s still standing so he reaches over and lightly grabs her hand, before pulling her down to sit beside him. Hinami squeaks again, flinching slightly from the sudden action. He notices her red cheeks and it hits him that he just suddenly held her.

“I’m sorry!” he gasps. “I didn’t… I mean… You should sit. I should have just asked instead… I…”

“Ah! It’s fine. I was just surprised… It’s okay… I don't mind if you touch me. Your hands… are very smooth,” Hinami admits, shifting slightly away from him and brining her hands to her face. Even when she’s trying her best to conceal her burning cheeks, her crimson ears are laid bare for his eyes. The heavy atmosphere hangs in the air for a moment and Ayato decides a change of topic probably will make her feel more comfortable. 

“Hey, tell me a little about yourself,” he urges, inching towards her. “I wanna know… where you learnt to sing like that.”

_Maybe it’ll help me a little as well._

Hinami’s shoulders slouched. “Erm… karaoke…?”

_You’re fucking kidding me._

“Okay, nevermind. Tell me more. Other stuff.”

“I’m just a normal college student,” she says, “I study Literature at Kamii.”

_That fucking elite nerd university— no way._

“I see…” Ayato murmurs.

“I live with my parents. I have a part time job in a cafe close to my house… It has really nice coffee,” she admits.

“Really? What cafe is that?”

“I don’t know if you’ve heard about it before… It’s a small cafe in the middle of nowhere,” she says. But Ayato doesn't really care what cafe she works at or what it’s like there. He’s busy imagining her in a cute barista’s outfit, busy brewing coffee and serving it. He thinks back to how her eyes reminded him of his favourite drink and he muses over how apt it was.

“You know, I make pretty good coffee as well!” he boasts, cutting into her words. “Touka used to teach me when we were younger.”

“Your sister? Kirishima Touka?” Hinami asks, somewhat bewildered.

“Yeah. My uncle runs a coffee shop, you see, and like he taught her and she taught me.”

“I… can’t imagine the legendary idol making coffee…” Hinami admits.

It takes a moment for him to remember that the Touka Hinami saw on stage and television everyday is different from the Touka he sees at home. She sees an idol, outgoing and confident, while he sees a sister, desperate and hard-working.

“Well… she’s a great person,” Ayato says.

“I’m sure she is.”

Hinami might agree with him, but Ayato knows that she will never find out how truly great of a person Touka is— that her true beauty is something hidden from most people.

He hears a knock on the door and he realises that time is running out. Hinami stands, ready to leave, but he feels like he doesn't want her to leave. He wants to sit there and talk some more. He’s barely gotten the chance to know her during that short period of time— she’s a college student who works at a cafe, so what? He wants to talk to her more, to find out more things. What are the colours she likes to see? What’s her favourite season? Does she like rainy days or sunny ones? Is she a morning or a night person? What goes through her mind when she lies in bed at midnight? Does she think of herself as a happy person or a sad person?

Hinami mouths a farewell, thanking him for the chance to talk and starts to leave. His brain isn't functioning anymore and it feels like he’s a robot being driven by his heart. He leaps at her when she heads towards the door, grabs her wrist to pull her away from the door for a short moment. Hinami turns to him with a confused expression and he opens his mouth.

“Can… Can I have your number?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, being the dumb idiot I am, I forgot to update this chapter on here. I have it like up to Chapter 4 on tumblr. I'll post the rest in the coming days.


	3. Ringtone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three days pass and Hinami wonders why Ayato hasn’t texted her even though it was him who asked for her number. When Ayato finally does text her, Hinami accidentally reveals this to her boss at work.

Hinami wants to scream. All of a sudden, her phone becomes her most prized possession— valuable, treasured and even sacred. She wants to enshrine it– to build an altar for it and pray to it everyday. How many fans out there can proudly hold out their phone and say that they have the number of an idol? Hinami doubts there are many and the fact that it’s _Kirishima Ayato_ out of all idols whose number she owned makes Hinami just a little bit prouder of herself. She imagines the reaction of _his_ fans if they ever found out— of course, it won’t be something nice, not for her at least.

He had texted her after she left the place, a short message thanking her for her hard work and that he hoped she got home safely, cutely punctuated with a rabbit emoticon. She replied with something just as short and formal. After that, there was nothing. But she finds that there’s a slight difference whenever she’s using her phone following that single exchange. Every time she picks it up, she wonders if there is a message from him and when there isn’t she feels her heart sink from a height she hadn’t realised it had risen to.  Whenever her phone vibrates from a notification, Hinami hesitates a moment, before rushing to take a look at it, only to constantly be disappointed time after time when it isn’t from him. She wonders why she started thinking about him more than Kaneki— had her bias list changed from a mere duet?

Then again, she realises, it wasn’t just a duet. The entire experience had been eye-opening in more ways than one. She realises that on stage, everything is a mere image. She realises that Ayato is probably nothing like the kind of person he appears to be to everyone else. What changed things wasn’t the fact that she had sang with him and got to be with an idol so personally. It was the way he looked at her— the way his usually intimidating and risqué eyes were swarming with warmth and amiability. It was the way his jaws went lax and his body stiffened when he entered the room and looked at her. It was the way his cheeks were dusted with pink whenever he did something he probably thought was stupid.

She barely remembers what they talked about. But she can easily remember the way he sounded— his usually hoarse, assertive voice dropping by a few notes and volumes when he talks to her. It’s easy for her to conjure up the varied expressions he had during their conversation as well— from his embarrassment to his interest and even to his disappointment. Ayato is real— even though she’s so used to seeing him on screen or from afar. But she had touched him and talked to him. She had stared into his eyes, like the way many fans have dreamed of. Hinami isn’t a boastful person and she doesn’t like to think of herself as better than others. But she sure is lucky. Just how many people would have died to be given the chance she had gotten?

Three days past with nothing from him and Hinami starts wondering if she had been dreaming. But the number is still in her phone and so is the message she had received. Hinami has never felt like a bigger idiot than she does now. She’s been excited and jumpy around her phone before— she’s had her admirations and crushes, just like any schoolgirl does. But never had her heart beaten so violently from picking up her phone. She tries to reason with herself that it’s normal for her to feel this way– she isn’t dealing with any random person; she’s dealing with an idol.

But it’s hard and Hinami wants to slap herself for being so blind and hopeful. Their exchange was fleeting. To him, it was probably an irrelevant encounter. Maybe he asked for her number in impulse— maybe he has already blocked her so that he won’t have anything to do with her anymore. She already (stupidly) made it clear that he wasn’t her favourite and he made it obvious that he was offended by it. He probably doesn’t want anything to do with her.

By the end of the third day, Hinami decides that she’s had her head too high up in the clouds. It’s going to be hard, she concludes, but in the end, she knows she has to tear down her fantasies. What had she been thinking? She’s no one important; she’s definitely no idol. She’s just a normal girl with a little bit of luck. The number probably meant nothing to Ayato. 

Hinami goes to sleep, saddened, yet relieved. Despite the overwhelming disappointment at being reminded that she’s ‘nothing special’, Hinami convinces herself that it’s fine. She probably won’t be able to deal with texting him anyway. He’ll probably find her stupid and boring from the beginning and eventually, he’ll realise it was a waste of effort in trying to get to know her.

_One last thing._

She picks up her phone, opens her messenger app and takes a deep breath. Then, without giving any chance for doubts and hesitations to claw their way into her mind, she swipes her finger across his name. Their conversation is deleted in a heartbeat.

She forces what she’s been considering her reality into the recesses of her mind; she forces herself to think of it as mere memories. They aren’t reality anymore, just dreams— like her chance at singing with, holding hands with and talking to Kirishima Ayato.

* * *

It’s funny how things never go according to plans. Did she plan to win a chance to sing with an idol? No. Did she plan to sing so well that occasionally, people in college and work recognise her from it? No. Did she plan to make a good enough impression for Kirishima Ayato to show interest in her? No.

Did she plan to receive a text from him right after she convinced herself it’s never going to happen? Not in a million years.

Her phone finally vibrates from her previously long-awaited message, yet Hinami initially chooses not to pay much attention to it. She’s at work, in the midst of making a latte for the lady standing by the counter and fuming because of something that probably displeased her earlier on. A short while later– probably mere seconds later– it vibrates again. Hinami still ignores it and proceeds to serve said fuming customer. As the lady was paying, a final vibrate causes Hinami to momentarily furrow her brows.

She wonders if something bad had happened and maybe that’s why she’s getting a string of messages. She has group chats muted so the only reason she can think of why she’s getting three straight messages in a row is that something unexpected had happened. She just doesn’t know if it’s bad or good.

She’s thankful that there is only one other customer after the previous lady and that Hinami’s senior and co-worker had already been entertaining him. She takes the brief moment to move to the back room and pull out her phone.

Her heart stops for a few whole seconds.

His name is on her screen, glaring at her blindingly in the darkness of the room.

She’s frozen long enough for the screen to black out. Hinami immediately checks it again, this time actually opening the messages and reading them.

> **_Ayato:  
>  _**_Hey. How’ve you been?  
>  __Oh, wait, no. I’m so sorry. Sent it to the wrong person. Lol._ ／ _(_ ≧ _x_ ≦ _)_ ＼  
>  _But since I already sent this. How have you been? It’s been awhile._

Hinami almost screams. Her fingers fumble to reply, making an uncountable number of errors in her typing in the process.

> ********_Hinami:  
>  _ _Hi! Things are greta. How’s about you? :D  
>  _ _Great.  
>  _ _I meant great._

She expects having to wait another three days for his reply. But surprisingly, as she’s standing there watching her phone— still trying to get it into her stubborn head that _Kirishima Ayato_ had just texted her— she gets his reply.

> **_Ayato:  
>  _ ** _Haha. That’s good to hear. What are you up to?_

She sucks in her breath and scrambles another reply out. Surprisingly, it’s easy to reply. Maybe her mind’s too disarrayed for her to feel any form of awkwardness or hesitation but whatever it is, she’s momentarily grateful for it.

> **_Hinami:  
>  _ ** _I’m at work now._
> 
> **_Ayato:  
>  _ ** _At the cafe?_
> 
> **_Hinami:  
>  _ ** _Yeah!  
>  _ _You?_

Scratch merely texting, she’s actually holding a conversation with him completely out of their own wills and Hinami mentally pats herself on the back for it.

> ****_**Ayato:**  
>  _ _Nothing, really. :p  
>  _ _I’m at home now so I’m killing time watching my sis on TV._
> 
> **_Hinami:  
>  _ ** _Her performance with Kaneki?_
> 
> ****_**Ayato:**  
>  _ _…_  
>  _Yes._  
>  _With Kaneki.  
>  _ _o.o_
> 
> **_Hinami:  
>  _**_THEY LOOK SO CUTE TOGETHER.  
>  __Omg.  
>  __Are they a thing in real life?  
>  __Please tell me they are.  
>  __(⁄ ⁄ >⁄ _▽ _⁄ <⁄ ⁄)_
> 
> ****_**Ayato:**  
>  _ _Bruh._  
>  _No, they aren’t.  
>  _ _And no they don’t look cute together, wtf._
> 
> ****_**Hinami:**  
>  _ _THEY  
>  _ _DO_
> 
> **_Ayato:  
>  _ ** _No way in hell._

“Hinami?”

Hinami jumps at the voice and she’s momentarily stunned. It takes her awhile to realise that she’s still at work and that she’s hiding in the back room texting Ayato, out of all people, and that she had just probably made a fool of herself to him while going crazy over Touka and Kaneki.

“Hinami, are you in here?”

The door opens and Hinami jumps once more, turning to face the door completely while her hands rush to her back, clutching her phone tightly. She sees the head of the cafe manager pop in, his face blacked out from the darkness which makes it impossible for her to tell if he is angry.

_I’m dead. I’m dead. I’m so so dead!_

“Manager! W-What? Ah… I’m just… gonna go out soon. I got a text and there was no one out there and I thought…” Hinami feels herself blushing at her pathetic excuse. She hears a sigh from him and she prepares herself for the worst.

But the Manager is generally a nice person. Kind and understanding to all his staff, Yomo Renji has never been a man of many words. He is amicable and approachable when you get to know him and Hinami really enjoys working with him. She doesn’t know much about him, aside from the fact that he owns a coffee shop that used to be performing poorly but had somehow managed to make a name, albeit small, for itself. To Hinami, he’s a man worthy of her respect.

“What are you doing here?” he asks. He reaches in and switches the lights on. Flooded in light, Hinami lets herself relax as she’s able to see his expressions and gauge his thoughts, but at the same time, it also leaves her expressions open to his sight. Yomo frowns. “Are you okay? Your cheeks are flushed and you’re shaking.”

“I-I’m fine,” she tries to lie. It’s futile. Hinami knows she’s probably the worst liar to ever walk the face of the earth.

“What’s wrong? If you’re not feeling well, maybe you should take a break,” he offers.

“No… I just got a really unexpected text… from… someone…”

Yomo tilts his head a little at her reply. “A boy?”

“Yeah… I met him a few days ago at the…” Hinami pauses, realising that she’s speaking without thinking.

“Just a few days?” Yomo murmurs and she swears she can see genuine worry cross his face. “Who is this boy?”

She wonders if she can come up with a lie on the spot and she realises that it’ll only serve to worsen it. If Yomo gets too suspicious and worried, he might do something— maybe calling her parents or her school. At any rate, she doesn’t want to come under investigation from either parties and when weighing her options, she realises that it’s maybe better to have a sole, somewhat nice man to know the truth, than a hoard of people digging for it.

“You know I went on this show the other day, right? To sing with someone? Yeah… that guy,” she says, slinking back a little sheepishly. For a moment, she seeks refuge in her makeshift delusion that maybe Yomo might not know who the boy is— she doesn’t expect him to keep up with modern pop culture.

“The one you sang with?”

“Yes,” she admits.

Yomo narrows his eyes. “Kirishima Ayato. You’re texting Kirishima Ayato, right?”

“Yeah.”

“He’s an idol. Do you realise what might happen if this gets out? His fans—” Yomo stops himself and takes a deep breath, before letting out a soft sigh. “It might be dangerous for you.”

Hinami’s fingers tightened around her phone. “It won’t get out… We’re just talking.”

Yomo doesn’t seem convinced but he doesn’t seem willing to press the issue any further either. He shakes his head and moves away from the room. “Just, get back to work,” he instructs.

He closes the door and leaves her alone in the room. Yet the place radiates his worry and doubt and Hinami finds it impossible to ignore the new weight on her shoulders. Yomo has a point. She is taking a risk, but it’s not like she’s dating Ayato. They’re just texting and it just happens that he started a conversation with her after he mistakenly texted someone.

_Wait. Mistakenly texted someone?_

She shakes her head and forces the thought out of her mind. Her phone vibrates in her hands and Hinami turns her attention back to it. Ayato had texted her again and she hurries to reply, managing to somehow type despite her flustered self and shaking fingers.

> ****_**Ayato:**  
>  _ _Hey, you there?_  
>  _You didn’t get pissed off from what I said, right?  
>  _ _Or did you? O.O_
> 
> ****_**Hinami:**  
>  _ _I’m at work now so I can’t text you…  
>  _ _My boss saw me._
> 
> **_Ayato:  
>  _**_ε-(´_ ·｀ _)-_ ﾌ  
>  _Oh well then.  
>  __Ttyl._
> 
> ****_**Hinami:**  
>  _ _Yeah. Later.  
>  _ _Bye._
> 
> **_Ayato:  
>  _ ** _Text me when you’re done with work!  
>  _ _Or whenever you’re free…_

Hinami wants to scream again and she wonders how many times in one day she’ll feel like that. But even the happiness from the realisation that Ayato actually wants to talk to her isn’t too fulfilling. Yomo’s warning rings in her ears and she can’t help but feel worried that he might actually tell someone about it. Even if Yomo doesn’t seem like the kind to rattle things to others, if he were too worried about her, he might end up doing so.

_Maybe I really should stop._

But, should she really? It’s honestly just texting. There is absolutely no chance of others finding out about it— as long as she remains discreet about her texting and not draw attention to herself. She’s a bad liar so the best she can do is to avoid any sort of situation where she doesn’t have to explain herself. She just needs to be careful. Yomo finding out was a careless mistake on her part, but it doesn’t mean it’ll happen again.

_No one else will find out._

She gathers her resolve and concludes that this is far too big an opportunity to let by. It’s not something that will happen to anyone and everyone and it’s something she wants to treasure and be thankful for. Besides, in that short span of minutes when they were texting, Hinami didn’t feel like she was texting an idol— Ayato seemed normal. His texts were informal; he typed like everyone else she texts does. She was having fun. 

Besides, he asked her to talk to him. It takes a lot longer for the implications of his words to sink in and it’s only when work is done and she’s walking home that she realises what it really means.

_He wants to talk again._

As she starts to consider this, she thinks back to her fleeting moment of suspicion a while back. This isn’t the first time Hinami has gotten a text mistakenly sent to her when it was meant for someone else. It also isn’t the first time the sender still went to pursue a conversation despite their ‘accidental text’. Hinami finds herself giggling to herself. It’s an absurd thought. Why would Ayato, the main rapper and dancer of Goat, the boy known to melt the hearts of many girls and women through his sexiness and good looks, pretend to wrongly send her a message just so he can start a conversation? It makes no sense and despite her amusement, Hinami disregards the thought.

But she does remember him asking her to text when she’s done. Without another second to spare, Hinami has her phone out, fiddling with it as she races to send him a message. 

> **_Hinami:  
>  _ ** _I’m done!_

She doesn’t think she’ll ever get used to how quickly he replies. His text comes in a matter of seconds— so quick he gives off the impression that his phone was in his hands the entire time. She would love to imagine that he’s waiting for her to message him, but he’s probably just messing around on it since he has nothing to do when he’s on break now.

> ****_**Ayato:**  
>  _ _How was work?  
>  _ _Did your boss give you shit for texting while on the job?_
> 
> ****_**Hinami:**  
>  _ _No, he didn’t.  
>  _ _He just told me to get to work._
> 
> **_Ayato:  
>  _ ** _Just like that?_
> 
> **_Hinami:  
>  _ ** _He asked me who I’m texting and all and he guessed it’s a boy…  
>  _ _He told me to be careful._

Ayato doesn’t need to know the rest of it– especially not the part where Yomo figured out exactly the identity of said boy. She thinks back to the way Yomo looked at her subsequently in work, and how when she bade farewell to him, he had given her a final warning glare. Hinami shudders and assures herself that Ayato doesn’t need to know. 

> **_Ayato:  
>  _**_Lmao nice.  
>  __You better be careful of me~_ ／ _(˃_ ᆺ _˂)_ ＼

She figures that he might really like rabbits, or at least rabbit emoticons. But she’s also sure that she’s seen rabbit drawings accompanying his name in signed albums as well.

> **_Hinami:  
>  _ ** _Do you like rabbits or something?_
> 
> **_Ayato:  
>  _**_Yeah.  
>  Those little fluff balls are cute._  
>  _／(^ × ^)＼_  
>  I have a huge rabbit plushie that takes up half my bed.
> 
> **_Hinami:  
>  _ ** _That’s… impossible._
> 
> **_Ayato:  
>  _ ** _It’s true. I’m not lying!_

His text is accompanied by a picture, which Hinami opens. She chuckles at the sight of the pink rabbit doll, which indeed took up a huge part of his double bed (not quite half though). She spends some time looking at the picture and she notices other things as well— like how his covers seem to have fish patterns on them.

Ayato must really like animals and she’s realises how the animals he seems to like are so innocent and docile. She never would have associated fishes and bunnies to him just from watching him on stage (that is, before he released _Our Song_ as Rabbit). She’s taken by amazement once again at how what she sees and believes on a daily basis doesn’t seem to even convey much about him. Hinami has to admit she’s partly intrigued. What lay deeper under that facade he presents everyday to his fans?

She wonders what other idols have buried under their images. Is Kaneki, the cute, talented and approachable leader of Goat, like that in reality as well? What about the bold and unshakable Kirishima Touka?

Hinami finds herself wanting to know more– about Ayato and about the world he lives in. She turns her attention back to her phone, chuckling at the rabbit picture again. 

> **_Hinami:  
>  _ ** _It’s cute.  
>  _ _Did a fan get it for you?_

This time, it takes a while for him to reply. Her phone remains silent for the remaining of her journey home, which isn’t exactly long but it’s much longer than previously. She’s walking to her room when it finally vibrates in her hand again. 

> ********_Ayato:  
>  _ _No…  
>  _ _Mom did._
> 
> **_Hinami:  
>  _**_That’s so sweet! (´_ ∀ _` *)  
>  __When?_
> 
> ****_**Ayato:**  
>  _ _Dunno._  
>  _I’ve always had it._  
>  _As long as I can remember…  
>  _ _Mom always used to get me whatever I wanted, I guess._
> 
> **_Hinami:  
>  _ ** _She must be your biggest fan now!_
> 
> ****_**Ayato:**  
>  _ _Who knows?  
>  Anyway, _ _it’s late…  
>  _ _I’ll talk to you some other time._

Hinami glances at the clock. It is getting late and she still needs to prepare for her classes tomorrow. 

> **_Hinami:  
>  _ ** _Sure.  
>  _ _Text me whenever._

She hesitates for a slight moment before she adds in the final message as a joke.

> **_Hinami:  
>  _ ** _You don’t have to mistakenly message me._
> 
> ****_Ayato:  
>  _ _Lol.  
>  _ _Sorry about that.  
>  _ _Have a good night._

Hinami tosses her phone aside and goes on to change and take a shower. As much as she likes to think about other things, her mind keeps going back to the conversation. She still amazed at how informally he was talking to her and how she managed to actually reply in the same relaxed tone she uses whenever she texts a friend. It probably has to do a lot with the magic of technology and instant messages— she doesn’t have to be physically there with him to talk to him. Through the phone, it’s easier to imagine she’s talking to a random boy than him and Hinami was sure, somewhere along the way, she had forgotten that she was talking to an idol. Every trace of awkwardness and unease that was overbearingly present in their meeting the other day had somehow vanished this day.

Hinami brings dinner up to her room— some leftovers from lunch earlier on. Her mother won’t normally approve of that but it seems like both her parents aren’t home. Hinami vaguely remembers them telling her that they’ll be away for some event that night and will be home much later than that. The house is empty and more than half of it is swallowed in darkness, yet Hinami doesn’t really feel alone. Her head swims in memories and thoughts of earlier the day and she finds herself reaching for her phone to read their conversation.

Needless to say, Hinami doesn’t really get much work done that night. Both her dinner and readings remains mostly untouched. 


	4. Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ayato wakes up early from a nightmare. Yomo confronts him about Hinami. A little later, Touka and him share a conversation about the past.

Ayato checks the time on his phone.

It’s five in the morning and he’s sitting on his bed, curled up and buried under his quilt, body coated in sweat and trembling. He’s not a someone who’s ever been afraid of the dark. If anything, his early teenage years had him embracing the darkness in a pathetic and edgy attempt at trying to look cool. But at this very moment, he hates the heaviness of the darkness and the looming sense of dread that keeps washing over him.

Darkness is like the night; the night was when it happened. Ayato hates it— he hates the fact that very incident keeps surfacing from the depths of his memories even though it’s been years; he hates the sense of guilt that claws at him and makes his chest hurt so much it’s hard to breathe; he hates the strange fatigue that washes over him every time he recalls it.

He wants to forget and move on, just like Touka did. But it’s hard because he knows he’s at fault. Unlike Touka, he didn’t have anything else to turn his attention to. He didn’t have a younger brother to worry and support. He didn’t _need_ to move on so he’s never able to. He tries to blame them, tries to persuade himself that it’s all their fault for being stupid and overprotective, but it’s futile because he knows it’s him.

It’s all him.

He hears shuffling from outside and he gets out of bed. There’s no use staying in bed anyway, not when sleep is so far away for him. His room is restrictive; the more he stays there, the more it feels like the walls are closing up on him. It’s almost suffocating and Ayato’s sure he can really use a breather.

Ayato gets out of bed and walks out of his room. A slight movement catches his eyes and when he turns to it, he sees a figure wiggling over to him, only to stop slightly away from him after being impeded by a glass enclosure. Ayato smiles weakly and he reaches above to hit the switch. The light of the fish tank comes on, illuminating the surroundings slightly along with its inhabitants.

“Hey, Chunta,” Ayato snickers, dragging his finger along the glass. The arowana inside snaps its mouth, before following after said finger, its body twisting gracefully whenever it moved. Ayato knows that the fish probably isn’t really playing with him— he’s probably trying to eat Ayato’s finger. Yet, he spends some time watching the fish, feeling a small smile spread across his face. He loves fishes. They’re beautiful creatures— graceful, yet deadly. The agile movements of his fish’s body is captivating and Ayato’s easily able to let go of some worries as he watches his pet swim— carefree and relaxed. It must be easy, to only have your next meal on your mind.

He hears a soft clamour from behind him and he moves away from the fish, walking over to the kitchen out of curiosity. The fleeting joy he got from playing with his fish vanishes and the heaviness from before returns, though in a diminished weight. From outside, he sees his uncle, moving about the kitchen and making a drink for himself. Ayato guesses it’s coffee— his uncle doesn’t really drink anything else. He stands by the kitchen entrance and watches wordlessly. Yet, despite his silence, Yomo turns around and raises an eyebrow at him.

“Why are you up?” Yomo asks.

“I can’t go back to sleep.”

“Do you want a drink?”

Ayato shakes his head. “I’m fine… Are you leaving soon? For the shop?”

“Yeah.” Yomo turns his attention back to his mug, lifting it to his mouth and taking a sip, before turning back to Ayato. “Will you be home the whole of today as well?”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t you have anything else on your schedule?”

“I told them I didn’t want anything else,” Ayato admits. If Ayato has to be honest, sometimes, he rather not leave the house at all. Locking himself up without anything to worry about seems like an ideal life. The life of an idol is tiring, despite his empty schedule, and he prefers to have his break to himself– just to relax. Yet he knows he can’t possibly stay at home day after day, especially not that place. It’s confusing and he never really knows what to do. He wants to leave the house, yet he doesn’t want to go out. It’s reached a point it’s exhausting, even.

“Your popularity will decline if you don’t keep promoting yourself,” Yomo advises. “You have to take your job seriously.”

“I am taking my job seriously,” Ayato argues, though deep down he questions himself as well.

Yomo raises an eyebrow again. “Really?”

“Yes. I am.”

“Then, care to explain to me what’s going on with Fueguchi Hinami?”

Ayato’s throat goes dry at the name and he notices the small spike in his heartbeat. For a moment, he’s stunned just from hearing her name, until his mind begins to race as he wonders why Yomo would even bring her up. Did he do something on stage with her that made Yomo question things? As far as Ayato knows, nothing has popped up from that show. He knows he was staring at her like an idiot but none of the news channels and online articles had pointed it out so he knows that both of them are safe from the prodding of netizens and paparazzis. Unless, had Yomo been a little too observant?

“Wh-What about her?”

“She’s just a fan, right?” Yomo asks.

“Yes,” Ayato says.  


“So… why do you have each other’s number?”

“Huh? How do you— I mean, no! No we don’t,” Ayato shrieks in response, a little far too defensively. He knows the moment he speaks that Yomo can see through him and no matter how many lies and excuses Ayato can come up with, there’s no way Yomo’s going to believe him.

“Give it up,” Yomo sighs. He takes a longer drink of coffee from his mug. “She told me.”

“That’s not true! I don’t have— Wait, how do you even…” He trails off at Yomo’s glare, shrinking back a little.

“She works at my cafe,” Yomo replies. He crosses his arms and eyes Ayato instructively.

But Ayato doesn’t notice the look, too focused on what Yomo had just revealed. It has to be some kind of joke right? All this while, how could she have been right there? It takes a moment for the realisation to truly sink in and he’s all the more speechless. Hinami works at his uncle’s cafe. She knows his uncle. His uncle knows her. He’s been connected to her even before their meeting onstage.

_This must be fate._

He immediately shakes his head at the thought. He knows better that to rely on Fate and Destiny. It’s an outdated, old-fashioned idea— one that never really brings happiness. Yet, he feels himself flushing at the thought. Can it be that they were all along meant to meet in one way or another? It’s far too much of a coincidence for him to have met such a talented and beautiful person— especially someone he can’t seem to get his mind off for a big portion of his time— only for that person to be an employee of his uncle.

“Don’t get any ideas,” Yomo interrupts his personal fantasies. “I’m not going to let you meet her or anything. She doesn’t need to know about our relation.”

“Why?” His question slips out of his mouth before he really thinks about what he has been told. Yomo’s face changes instantly, hardening to the point Ayato genuinely feels threatened by the older man. Ayato himself knows why. He doesn’t need Yomo to tell him. But at the same time, it’s impossible to ignore the urge and to just cut everything off. He just wants to talk to her. He doesn’t know her well but he had fun when he was with her and she seems to be a fun person to text as well. Ayato doesn’t have much friends. He has his family, he has colleagues, he has superiors and he has acquaintances. There isn’t anyone from his pre-debut days that he can still call a friend even. Having someone to talk to— especially someone close to his age— is something refreshing and enjoyable. It helps to ease, even if just a little, the draining void he feels within himself.

“You’re an idol and she’s just a fan. Nothing more, nothing less. Start taking your job seriously,” Yomo chides. “If you don’t want to, you might as well just quit.”

_Quit?_

“No fucking way!” Ayato snaps. “I’m not gonna just quit!”

“You don’t show any interest in your job. You can’t be bothered to respect the boundaries you have to stay within. You don’t put in any effort. Have you see how hard your sister works? She has so much more passion—”

“ _Touka_ has no passion for this!” Ayato interrupts. “She never wanted to be an idol. She wanted to go to college and to study biology. She wanted to become a teacher. That’s her passion!”

Yomo straightens his back and takes a few steps forward. In response, Ayato finds himself taking a step back. Yomo is much taller and so much more broader. He practically towers over Ayato and his looming presence is only heightened by his agitated disposition and steady frown. Ayato swallows and he instantly regrets the topic he had just brought up.

“She gave that all up… for who?” Yomo asks. It’s a simple question, but Ayato shudders. Yomo’s tone is harsh. Ayato feels like he’s having bricks and rocks hurled at him. Yomo’s question forces reality back into his eyes and things that he’s been trying to force himself to forget resurface.

“I… I don’t mean…” Ayato can’t think of a proper response and all he can do is weakly stammer before Yomo’s confrontational stance. “I just wanted to help her out…”

“And you think anything you’re doing now is going to help? You’re only going to cause more problems eventually,” Yomo says. He moves away and Ayato forces himself to relax and take a deep breath in an attempt at regaining his usual rhythm. Yomo takes a couple of things from the kitchen counter and he walks out, brushing past Ayato and heading to the door. Ayato trails after him, not really knowing why he bothers seeing his uncle off.

“Stop texting her,” Yomo instructs.

“Fine,” Ayato murmurs.

_Fat chance._ Ayato knows he’s not going to stop and he’s sure Yomo knows as well.

“Since you’ll be at home the whole day anyway, make yourself useful. There’s some dishes to be done and you can fold yesterday’s laundry. You’ll have to settle lunch yourself. Leave dinner to me,” Yomo instructs.   


Ayato murmurs a vague acknowledgment and he closes the door behind Yomo. The list of chores ring in his mind and he silently curses his uncle for ruining his plans of doing nothing. Even then, he has a full twelve hours to do a couple of chores which can be completed within minutes. He can afford some time to laze around.

Ayato looks at the living room’s clock. Merely twenty minutes have passed since he left his room. It’s still really early in the day and there’s nothing else to do but go back to sleep. Ayato heads back to his room, yet he pauses at his door, eyes fixed on the rabbit plushie he has on his bed. He stays there for a moment, merely watching it. He sees images flashing through his mind again.

He’s reliving the nightmare he just woke up from.

_I can’t sleep in here._

“Aya…to?”

Ayato blinks at the voice and he turns towards it.

“Touka?”

Touka yawns as she stretches her back. She doesn’t bother to cover her mouth and she doesn’t bother hiding the fact that she’s reaching behind to scratch herself. Her pyjamas are crumpled and partly undone. She’s staring at him with half-closed eyes, red from having just woken up and blacked by dark bags beneath. She looks like a mess, to be honest. There she is– the number one female idol their society hails as a goddess and icon of talent and beauty. 

“What the hell are you doing just standing there?” she mutters, uncouth, raspy and voice clogged from sleep.

But before him, stands his sister.

“Why are you up?” he asks. “Didn’t you come home pretty late last night?”

Touka yawns again and she rubs her eyes. “Yeah. I could hear shouting. Did you get into a fight with Uncle again?”

He knows he can’t possibly tell her the full story. He knows how desperate she’s been trying to keep things from him, to do things as discreetly as possible so that he doesn’t have to live with the knowledge of what had happened. But it’s impossible for him not to notice the sacrifices she had made, not when they’re living in the same house and he sees her everyday, not when they’ve always been together so much so that he knows her better than she knows herself. Touka doesn’t know it, but Ayato knows every single thing she has done.

He knows that the legendary idol— his sister, Kirishima Touka— had never once considered this route as a career choice. He knows that her decision was hasty and desperate. He knows that she only had one goal in mind when she took on the burden of entering a field in which she had no love for nor experience in.

Kirishima Touka was a girl who wanted to give her brother the comfortable life she believes he deserves— the kind of life he honestly doesn’t deserve.

“I… He says I should work harder,” Ayato says, “or my popularity will drop.”

Touka laughs at that and she walks over to him to give him a playful pat on his shoulder. “You don’t have to work hard at all. Just be that slacker you are now. It’s your image after all. You’re my brother. People will never forget you as long as I’m around. Though, when my popularity starts dropping, then you’re on your own.”

_You just have to leave everything to me. As long as I’m around, I’ll make sure you don’t have to struggle and can live easily and happily.—_ is what he understands it as.

A lump rises in his throat and he knows he can’t speak without falling apart. He nods and turns away, eyes returning to their initial position on the rabbit toy. But Touka’s by his side this time and she notices the change in his expression that he’s unable to hide.

“That bunny… used to be bigger than you, even,” Touka sighs in reminiscence. “You used to sleep on it like it was your bed. It used to be your favourite toy ever and you were upset you couldn’t bring it with you wherever you went. It’s just too big. So you’d roll and cry on the floor… until Mom bought you a similar plushie that was much smaller.”

He feels himself choking.

“I can’t believe you’re still keeping this. It’s so old… It’s as old as you are,” Touka continues. He can see her smiling from the corner of his eyes, yet he can feel the sorrows weighing down her words and hear the cracks in her voice. When she reaches over to take his hand, he grips her back, squeezing tightly till both of their knuckles probably go white.

“Sometimes…” Ayato whispers through blocked airways. “It smells like her… or I think it does…”

“Do you still think about her?” Touka asks.

“I think about both of them,” he replies.

“It wasn’t your fault.”

She has been saying that for four years already, but no matter how many times she said it, it never changed a thing; it will never change a thing.

Ayato knows it’s his fault. It was because he was being stupid and an immature brat that things turned out the way it did; it was because he had his head too deep in his own ideas and desires that he never realised the things that truly mattered. 

He had only ever made them cry and worry. He had never brought light to their eyes like Touka did. He had never made them proud whenever he came home with his result slips. He had always stumbled home in the wee hours of the night, battered and bruised— sometimes even drunk or high— while Touka comes back the same time after hours of cramming and studying in school or in the library. He’s a letdown— the family’s black sheep who rakes in disappointments after disappointments. In their eyes, he was a complete failure— the evidence of their complete failure in parenthood. How could it be, that a couple as reputable as them, with a child as inspiring and hard-working as Touka, raised such an incorrigible child?

Ayato knew, better than anyone, that he is the defected product. So why then, did he have to bother with anything? All he needed to do was to enjoy whatever he had within reach of his small hands— which was what he did. Chasing after his own brand of freedom and growth, Ayato believed himself to be at his lowest— nothing can ever go wrong; nothing can get worse. He could do whatever without having to fear the repercussions, right?

_Wrong._

Ultimately, he dragged them to their graves.


	5. Signal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinami's on her break and she spends her day studying while texting Ayato. While watching Goat's performances, she realises she's been noticing him a lot more than Kaneki. Ayato's messages also seem to be signalling something but she doesn't know if she's thinking too much into it.

College isn't the best part of one’s life. It hardly ever is. There’s always work after work and despite diligently finishing up readings after readings, it feels like her workload has barely even reduced. But even then, Hinami forces herself to see the better side of things— to remind herself that things can be worse. It’s not always the case but she’s lucky that all her mid-term exams for this particular semester took place before her one-week break. It had been hell for her then, but for now at least, she’s able to relax a little more. She still has papers to write, but writing a paper is never as hard as studying for an exam— or so she keeps telling herself. 

 

Her phone vibrates and Hinami turns away from her stack of readings. 

 

> **_Ayato:_ **
> 
> _I’m bored as hell… (_ ＃ _`Д´)_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Hinami:_ **
> 
> _Don't you have anything to do lol?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Ayato:_ **
> 
> _Nothing._
> 
> _I couldn't text you much last week because you’re busy with exams._
> 
> _So I wanna talk to you now._
> 
> _But you’re always studying._
> 
> _And I realised something._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Hinami:_ **
> 
> _What?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Ayato:_ **
> 
> _You’re a fucking nerd._

 

Hinami sucks her cheeks in at his comment, as a moment of fleeting annoyance passes. But she soon dissolves into a soft giggle, smiling at his response before typing her own. 

 

> **_Hinami:_ **
> 
> _No I’m not~_
> 
> _I just look like it to you because you’re a huge slacker._
> 
> _(´_ ∀ _` *)_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Ayato:_ **
> 
> _Well, you’ve got a point there…_
> 
>  

Hinami laughs again. She places the phone down beside her and turns back to her work. She’ll reply him later. In the short few weeks since she got his number, he’s the only person she constantly texts. It’s not like she’s the one who’s always starting something. Most of the time, Ayato’s the one who sends the first text. Yet, despite the fact that this has been going on for a while already, Hinami’s heart still flutters whenever she sees his name on her phone. She knows that there’s going to be a high chance it’s him whenever she receives a message, yet every time she gets a message from him, her mind goes, “Oh my god, he texted me!”

 

She loves how easy it is to talk to him. He’s funny and chatty. Despite being an idol, which is a profession that demands politeness and humility on air, he’s surprisingly uncouth and crude. He cusses freely in his messages, he whines about every single thing that’s not to his liking and he takes every opportunity available to playfully tease and mock her for something. Hinami can see why their texting is really a big risk for him. If his messages ever gets out, he’ll come under fire and every bit of his reputation will shatter. Even though his image has certain unlikable connotations, as an idol, Ayato’s still expected to present himself as an ideal human being, a role model to others. Hinami knows it’s probably a suffocating requirement and she wonders how he does it. She can’t imagine having to be able to put on a complete act out in the open. Hinami has to salute him for being able to, honestly. 

 

After some time, Hinami realises that she’s starting to change. It’s nothing major, just small, inconsequential things. The truth is, Hinami might have a couple of friends from various points in her life but none of them are really close to her. She doesn't have many texting buddies, nor does she have a particular person to call a best friend. Usually, whenever anything interesting happens, the first people who hear about it are her parents— mostly over dinner when they’re talking about their day. But lately, she finds herself looking forward to telling Ayato things that have happened in her day, anticipating his replies. He always shows an interest in whatever is going on in her life, no matter how boring it is. She doesn't know if he truly is interested, but whatever it is, Hinami is grateful that he at least knows how to keep conversations going— not something common among boys she’s acquainted with. 

 

And Hinami realises she’s thinking a lot about him and noticing him a lot more. Whenever she sees rabbits or fishes, she recalls the plushie and the bedsheets. She also seems to pay attention to other things he had mentioned before. Ayato mentioned once that he used to play soccer; Hinami pictures him whenever she walks past a field of boys shooting soccer balls at each other. Ayato said his favourite drink is cappuccino; Hinami smiles to herself whenever someone at :re orders cappuccino. Ayato complained about how school was always a bore for him and how aside from art and music, he never cared about anything; Hinami chuckles at how Ayato will react to her readings in college.

 

It’s takes a long while but after a gruelling couple of hours and an occasional coffee break here and there, Hinami decides that if she’s going to have to stare at another bunch of text discussing Shakespeare’s portrayal of gender and love, she’ll probably start spouting some curses in Victorian English. 

 

Hinami pushes her notes and readings aside and pulls her laptop closer. She’s already had videos bookmarked for her break times, most of them Goat’s performance videos of course. Settling back into her chair, Hinami smiles to herself as the familiar video starts playing and a melody she has memorised by heart starts. 

 

Hinami loves this particular song, particularly due to the number of lines Kaneki has in it. More lines meant longer screen times for him. Hinami sighs heavily as his face comes on screen. She watches in awe as he sings into the mic, yet at the same time swaying his body perfectly to the rhythm of the song. His soft white hair falls into his eyes and when she smiles at the camera through the strands of his bangs, Hinami swoons. Kaneki possesses such a sweet and amiable disposition. His talent aside, it was his kind personality that captivated her the moment she started following up with Goat. 

 

Or at least what appears to be his kind personality. 

 

Hinami hums along to the song and shifts in her seat, eyes still glued to the screen. She watches as the camera shifts focus from one member to another and she realises that Ayato’s part is coming up. Hinami reaches for her phone and quickly shoots him a text. 

 

> **_Hinami:_ **
> 
> _Taking a break now and I decided to watch some of your performances._
> 
>  

The message is sent right as the rhythm of the song speeds up and Ayato’s face appears on the screen. The expression he’s making is a stark contrast to Kaneki’s previous expression and an even bigger contrast to his expressions back when she was alone with him in the room. Hinami takes a quick picture of her laptop screen and sends it to him immediately. 

 

> **_Hinami:_ **
> 
> _Looking good~_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Ayato:_ **
> 
> _Damn._
> 
> _Dude’s so hot, even I’d do him._

 

Hinami chuckles. Ayato’s reply came immediately and Hinami wonders why he’s always quick to reply. Aside from occasional delays, he seems to constantly be on his phone.

 

She turns her attention back to the screen and she watches the performance in continued silence. She realises that she never used to pay much attention to Ayato whenever she watches Goat’s performances. She knows that Ayato does the rap and she knows that he dances better than the others. But she never noticed before how well he actually dances. His movements changes from fluid gestures to forceful jerks in a matter of seconds, yet the sudden shift doesn't seem out of place at all. He sways with more grace than the rest, yet pounces forward with more force as well. Just from the way he dances, it’s impossible to register the fact that he’s the youngest of the team. 

 

> **_Hinami:_ **
> 
> _You’re really good with your body, huh?(//_ ▽ _//)_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Ayato:_ **
> 
> _…_
> 
> _Excuse me?_
> 
> _I mean… I guess?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Hinami:_ **
> 
> _You dance so well!_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Ayato:_ **
> 
> _Oh._
> 
> _THAT._
> 
> _(_ ￣ _ω_ ￣ _;)_
> 
> _Well…_
> 
> _When I was younger, I picked it up I guess._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Hinami:_ **
> 
> _Back when you were still in school?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Ayato:_ **
> 
> _Yeah…_
> 
> _Since I barely cared about school…_
> 
> _I had time for other stuff._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Hinami:_ **
> 
> _Like singing?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Ayato:_ **
> 
> _Nah._
> 
> _That happened some time later._

 

His past intrigues her. Hinami doesn't know if she's thinking too deep into things, but it feels like he’s hoarding a lot more than he lets on. It’s not obvious and it’s not something he had mentioned before. But from the way he speaks of things, she can tell that he talks more about certain things than others. Ayato whines about his sister and uncle on a daily basis, but he never brings up his parents. He talks about hating things when he was in school, but he barely speaks of what he enjoyed. He talks about his job, but he has never brought up why he chose to become an idol. 

 

She’s curious, yet she’s afraid to ask. Hinami worries that one wrong move might just rub him off wrongly and he might just stop talking to her entirely. She doesn't want that to happen ever. Talking to him feels like a dream; it’s too surreal that she has the number of an idol, what more texting him on a daily basis. If this is a dream, it’s one she wants to keep living in— she doesn't want to wake up. 

 

The next performance on her playlist had started and she had already been subconsciously humming to it. It’s already halfway into the song when Hinami looks to the screen. Somehow, it’s right at Ayato’s part again and Hinami muses for a moment if it has something to do with fate. She discards the stupid idea immediately and focuses on his performance, leaning back into her seat. He’s not dancing this time, only rapping. 

 

Hinami’s never been a huge fan of raps. They’re nice to listen to but most of the time, she prefers songs with strong vocals, where the vocalist pours their heart and emotions out through the song they’re singing. But raps are static and she can never connect to them. The upbeat rhythm and quick lyrics are never impactful enough to leave strong impressions. They’re nice to hear, but not something she likes to listen to. 

 

Yet, she pays close attention this time, watching and listening to everything Ayato is displaying on the screen. Even then, she doesn't feel the connection— even though it’s him.

 

> **_Hinami:_ **
> 
> _I was wondering…_
> 
> _Have you ever sang before?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Ayato:_ **
> 
> _Like, instead of rapping?_
> 
> _Those vocal shit Kaneki does?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Hinami:_ **
> 
> _Yeah._
> 
> _Like a ballad or something._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Ayato:_ **
> 
> _I’d like to try._
> 
> _One day._
> 
> _If my company allows me to._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Hinami:_ **
> 
> _Really?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Ayato:_ **
> 
> _One day, I want to release a ballad album._
> 
> _Composed and written all by me._
> 
> ／ _(^ x ^)_ ＼

 

That is new. Hinami has never heard of that before. She doubts he’s even revealed it publicly before and she prides herself, once again, on being a bearer of information completely kept from public. Ayato seems willing to talk about this— his emoticon seemed positive— so Hinami decides that there’s no harm in prodding for more information. 

 

> **_Hinami:_ **
> 
> _All by yourself???_
> 
> _Is it even possible? :o_
> 
> _Have you ever tried to write or compose a song before?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Ayato:_ **
> 
> _Yeah. I have written one before._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Hinami:_ **
> 
> _I wanna hear it!_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Ayato:_ **
> 
> _You already have._
> 
> _It’s a track that’s already been released._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Hinami:_ **
> 
> _HUH?_
> 
> _∑(O_O;)_
> 
> _Which one?_

 

Hinami finds herself wrecking her mind trying to think of a possible song. She knows all of Goat’s songs by heart and she’s always amazed by their lyrics. There are some that are clearly better than the others but overall, all of their songs are rather impressive. She’s never give much thought to them, after all the songs were written by a renowned music production duo. There never had been a song that stood out among all of Goat’s songs. In other words, to Hinami, the song that Ayato wrote was on par with the others. 

 

_Unless… it’s not a Goat song?_

 

> **_Hinami:_ **
> 
> _Is it from one of your albums?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Ayato:_ ** _  
> I can’t tell you that…_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Hinami:_ **
> 
> _Why? Did the company tell you not to?_
> 
> _Strange…_
> 
> _I thought it’d be good publicity._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Ayato:_ **
> 
> _Nah._
> 
> _I don’t want anyone to know._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Hinami:_ **
> 
> _Lol._
> 
> _You’re telling me._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Ayato:_ **
> 
> _Well…_
> 
> _(_ ￣▽￣ _*)_ ゞ
> 
> _You’re not anyone…_

 

Hinami has no idea what that was supposed to mean, but she is well aware that it made her heart freeze for a second, before it suddenly started speeding up. She sucks in a breath, trying to keep herself composed, and lets herself drown in the music that’s still playing. She turns her attention to the screen. The performance had chanced again— it’s a different one now. She watches as the camera focuses on Kaneki, taking a short moment to swoon at the sight of him again. The focus shifts to Nishio and later, back to Kaneki. Ayato’s part is next, she notes, and sits up, shifting to the edge of the seat. 

 

There is a flash from the neon signages in the back, accompanied by Ayato jumping forward to center stage with a cheeky smirk adorned on his face. He seems to be in more of a playful mood in this performance and he breaks from his rap occasionally to flash grins at fans. As his rap nears its end, the camera zooms in onto his face and Ayato seems to be staring right at it. Despite the fact that he’s on a screen, Hinami feels like she’s looking at him in person. She stiffens at the eye contact; a chill runs down her spine. 

 

It makes her feel uneasy, though not in a bad way, just how she reacts to him now— how he’s catching her attention a lot more lately. She notices that while Ayato is rapping, Kaneki is right behind him, dancing and swaying his body in a way that normally would have made her swoon. _He_ ’s her bias, not Ayato. Yet, she just can’t take her eyes off Ayato. 

 

> **_Ayato:_ **
> 
> _You know…_
> 
> _Maybe I’d write you a song one day._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Hinami:_ **
> 
> _That’s random._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Ayato:_ **
> 
> _Is it? o.o_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Hinami:_ **
> 
> _I mean… you don't just go around writing songs for everyone and anyone._
> 
> _(_ ￣ _ω_ ￣ _;)_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Ayato:_ **
> 
> _… Yeah._
> 
> _Which is why I wanna write about you…_

 

Her video comes to an end and Hinami pauses it. She wonders what he’s trying to get at. She has a vague inkling, yet she doesn't want to flatter herself too much. The thought of it is enough to quicken her breath and she can swear her cheeks are heating up— looking at his face isn't going to help so no more videos for her. He’s probably just lonely and she’s probably the only person he’s talking to right now— he replies her so quickly it feels like it at least. It’s probably that— gratitude over their blossoming friendship. 

 

She better get back to studying, but she knows she can’t leave him hanging after that message. For that moment at least, Hinami sends him one last text. 

 

> **_Hinami:_ **
> 
> _Then, I’ll look forward to it._
> 
> _( ´_ ▽ _` )_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Ayato:_ **
> 
> _Good._
> 
> _( ´_ ▽ _` )_
> 
>  

Hinami eyes the mimicked emoticon for a short while. She wonders what he’d have done if she have given him something a little more friendlier, or maybe something that’s even beyond that. 


	6. Caffeine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ayato goes to give Hinami a surprise visit at Cafe :re but Hinami has her day off. While talking to Yomo, he overhears some girls discussing Goat criticising him. On the way home, he runs into a pair of drunkards in a quiet alley, who's determined to get some money out of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case anyone might have forgotten, Token is the name of Touka's and Kaneki's subunit, which I modelled after HyunA and Jang Hyunseung's Troublemaker. The name is also a cheap pun on the ship name Touken =w=

It feels completely strange to be out, particularly after he had practically locked himself in his apartment the past few days. Aside from occasionally going to buy himself some lunch, Ayato has made it a point never to leave his apartment. Partly, it is because of the difficulty of moving around as an idol, especially since he’s from a better-known group. Besides that, he just has to mood to get out.

But for this day, he decided to make an exception.

After weeks of texting Hinami and the occasional calls (many of which went by for mere minutes because of how busy that little college nerd is), he feels a need to actually meet her in person. It’s been almost forever since their first meeting. By now, everyone had already forgotten about that episode. They’ve moved on from discussing the pretty, gentle girl who sang by Kirishima Ayato’s side with an angelic voice filled with beauty and emotion. They’re talking about the people who came after her— people who had made the netizens forget about her, just like she had made them forget about those before her.

But for Ayato, it’s an unforgettable experience. It’s almost life-changing, even. He now has someone to talk to, someone he can call a friend. Her texts are entertaining, even when she’s complaining about school or detailing the most mundane aspect of her life. Everything she says captivates him and he wonders if he’d been living through the same thing had he not made that great leap into the life of stardom. Of course, he discards the fleeting thought every time it surfaces. There’s no way someone like him would have been able to make it to wherever she is right now— it’s a position reserved for hard workers and fighters, not slackers and idealists like him.

Ayato sees so much about her that’s worthy of respect and awe— so much that it makes him partly ashamed that his initial attraction to her was partly due to her appearance. She’s a hard worker, a caring individual and an entertaining friend. She’s a mesh of the best kinds of people and while it feels so stupid for him to admit it, he thinks she’s flawless.

And to think that between them, he’s the loved idol and she’s the merely ‘normal’ girl— Ayato wants to scoff.

He pauses right outside his destination and gives a slight sigh, hesitating as he reaches to adjust his cap. He tilts it forward so it partly shields his face and checks to make sure, for the thousandth time that day, if his sunglasses are on his face. They’re sitting there, still on the bridge of his nose, but Ayato can't help but check anyway. He’s never able to peacefully walk on the streets without being recognised every five minutes. Without anyone with him, there’s nothing he can do if some insane fan or jealous hater tries to jump at him in hopes of acting out whatever delusional fantasies play out in their heads. It’s not like he can simply push them off or even act in self-defence. There’ll end up being people condemning him if he happens to hurt his assailant, even though he’s clearly the victim. 

Ayato hates how constrictive it is sometimes. His job had changed every aspect of his life. The world’s a panopticon, with eyes watching him from ever corner.

Sometimes, he misses the freedom he had in the past-- where he ran free in the gutters, squabbling and dwelling in vice and crime. Now he can't even make an unlikable face at someone without being flagged for it for the days to come.

The only way for him to be safe, was to wrap himself up in menial disguises, like hats, sunglasses and face masks that sometimes ironically end up drawing more attention to himself. He doesn't know which is more uncomfortable— the discomfort of having to put on so much or the discomfort at knowing how ridiculous he looks.

He takes a deep breath and swings the door open. Ayato’s immediately greeted by the familiar smell of coffee wafting from the store. As usual, cafe :re is a welcoming and likeable place. It’s not crowded, yet it’s not empty and void of business either. He sees a group of school girls in a corner, huddling over something, and a pair of businessmen a short distance off, having animated discussions over coffee and some cake slices. None of them pay any attention to him despite the loud and clearly audible chime of the bell hanging over the door.

But while the customers didn't even look his way, a short distance off, a broad, older man is fuming through his usual, almost permanent, blank face. Yomo flashes him a death glare and Ayato freezes for a second, blood running cold and back straightening out. He walks over to the counter and takes a seat. Back to the rest of the store, he’s gotten a little more breathing space and he proceeds to take his glasses and mask off.

Yomo furrows his brows. “What are you doing here?”

He doesn't have to ask, Ayato notes, because it’s pretty obvious why he’s there. Yet, Ayato doesn't want to admit it, especially not to his somewhat frightening uncle.

“I want coffee,” he says. “Your cafe’s cappuccino is the best.”

_I’d like it if Hinami makes it,_ he almost says, but holds back when Yomo raises an eyebrow.

“She’s not here. Day off,” Yomo says.

Ayato doesn't say anything, still trying to keep the fruitless act alive, even though it feels like something shattered inside of him. It’s with complete bitterness that he realises that his all his efforts in getting dressed, leaving home and walking to the cafe was all for nothing.

Yet, it’s clear that there must have been some kind of reaction on his face because Yomo turns away with a slight sigh. He proceeds to work on Ayato’s drink and Ayato merely watches him. There’s nothing else for him to do now that he knows Hinami is away but since he’s here he might as well get a drink.

“Go home,” Yomo says as he places the drink down on the countertop.

“I… didn't order takeaway,” Ayato muttered bitterly.

“You’re not drinking this here.”

“I… am already here anyway so…” His voice drones out as a squeal from behind him overshadows it. Glancing behind briefly, he notices the three schoolgirls huddling over a phone. He turns back immediately the moment he realizes his face isn’t fully covered. 

“Oh my gosh, oh my gosh. He’s amazing.” The statement is followed by another burst of squeals and Ayato wonders just what can possibly get them in such a state.

“I can't believe they did that. Token is simply so…” She doesn’t complete her statement, but instead chooses to punctuate it with a slight scream.

_Oh._

Ayato glances at Yomo, who narrows his eyes and nods towards the door. It is better that he leaves soon. Those girls might just recognise him.

“They actually did a cover of  _Our Song_!”

Ayato freezes.

_How dare—_  

“It sounds so much better than the original, honestly.”

_Wha—_

“Go home,” Yomo says again, fixing him with a hard glare. Ayato nods, reaching out for his drink. Yet as he takes it, he can't seem to find the strength to get up.

“What is that supposed to mean? I love the original!”

“The original isn't bad… It’s just… Token is better.”

_Our song... The song is our song. Mine. Hers. Ours. He—_

Ayato discards the thought the moment he thinks it. The slight annoyance he feels is honestly uncalled for. He sang the song with someone; Touka sang it with someone else. It’s just a song and even despite Ayato’s attachment and sentiments over it, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s still a mere collection of words strung together why a rhythmic chord. There are thousands of covers of the song online as well. Token was probably requested to sing it by a fan— he’s seen such suggestions online before.   


“Kaneki has stronger vocals than Touka and Touka is a better rapper than her brother—”

“Go. Home,” Yomo says again, this time with a harder voice and a sterner glare. It makes Ayato tremble for a moment but it’s enough to convince him briefly. He holds the cup tighter and gets up.

“You guys are so mean. Aren't you fans of Goat as well?”

“Yeah, but you have to admit that Kaneki is so much more talented that Ayato.” The first girl to speak— the Kaneki fangirl— seems so sure and confident of her words and her other friend seems to be agreeing with her against the other who seems to be Ayato’s own fan.

“They’re different! Ayato is—”

“I think  _Our Song_ should have been sung by Kaneki and Touka instead. They are honestly better.”

_Except, Kaneki didn't write that song._

_I did._

He’s seething within. Ayato’s so close to telling them off, questioning what right they even have to say such a thing. How can they even pass such judgements without knowing anything? What will Kaneki do with that song? Who’s he singing it to anyway? 

“Listen, you know what I think?”

“What?”

“I mean… you don't really see Ayato around much when it’s not their promotional periods right?”

“So what? Many groups have inactive members.”

“But… his popularity will never wane, unlike those people. It’s because of his sister. Don't you think he’s riding on her coattail?"

He stomach churns. His head spins as the nausea acts up. He wants to sit down. But at the same time, he wants to dash off.  

“This is the last warning. Go home,” Yomo says, cutting into his trance as he grabs the drink. “You look like you’re going to throw up. You don't need this drink.”

Ayato has to agree. He doubts he has the stomach for anything.

“He isn’t! He has his own talents and—”

“Like what? Looking at all of you with that pretty boy face or thrusting his hips to make you forget about everything else that he can’t do? Look! I’m not saying he sucks. It’s just… the rest are better than him.”

“That’s bullshit. You’re a freaking hater. On Twitter, you— Ah!”

As Ayato turns to leave, he feels himself running into someone. It takes a moment for him to realise that one of the girls is on her feet, angrily confronting her other friend. It takes another moment to realise that he’s looking right at her. 

_No… it’s okay…_

He has his mask and his glasses. He’ll be fine.

“Y-You are…”

“Oh my fucking god!” one of the other girls— presumably the one who seems to dislike him— gasps. “You’re… Kirishima Ayato!”

It apparently takes him a lot longer to realise he had completely forgotten his mask and glasses which now lay unattended on the countertop behind him.

_Fuck._

“Ah… No… I…”

The girls initial excitement starts to fade off and, especially on the girl whom he assumes is the hater, their expression morphs into one of complete horror, probably from recalling what their topic of conversation had just been about.

_I could sue them,_ he thinks to himself— there had been idols who did that to haters and even won the case. But Ayato discards the idea immediately.

There’s a brief, but heavy, moment of silence before Ayato pushes past the girl in front of him and rushes out of the cafe, without even looking back. On the streets, he turns away from the hustle and bustle of the crowds, ducking into a quiet alley. Despite it being midday, the alleyways are still pretty dark and cold. Moisture from various kinds of liquids hang in the air, the strange odour wafting through his nostrils. It brings him back for a short moment, before he starts feeling himself sicken from the environment. How had he even once manage to spend eternities in such places is beyond him.

His pace slows to a halt. Ayato finds himself doubling over, clutching his now aching stomach as he catches his breath. He’s never had a good stamina in the first place and running through the alleys as fast as he could had taken a lot out of him. Bent forward, his eyes fix on his shoes, now stained from splashing through puddles, and he curses himself for wearing such a light colour.

His heart continues to pound and he knows it isn't from the run. He wonders what those girls will do now. He doesn't recall them taking any photos but it’s likely they might say something about the incident online.

If he's lucky, maybe it’ll mean more business for his uncle— the cafe Kirishima Ayato visited and might visit again.

“Hey, you there.”

Ayato jolts at the sudden voice but he turns to it anyway. He sees a pair of burly men walking towards him, staggering on their feet as they occasionally take swings out of an almost-empty bottle.

“Hey, pretty boy! What’s fresh prey like you doing in a place like this, eh?”

He’s thankful that neither of them seem to recognise him, though it comes with no surprise. The men look like they frequent these back alleys and if there’s anything Ayato knows about men who look like that, it’s that they probably have nowhere else to go or be, nor nothing to do. He’s spent some time with people akin to them before and had picked up many (formerly) useful skills. Yet, he knows that they’re nothing but trouble now.

They walk up to him, sneering and laughing as they studied him carefully. Despite there being only two of them, Ayato feels encircled. His instincts punch him in the gut, screaming at him to leave.

“I… erm… just need to get home,” he says.

“Ah. That’s fine…” one of the man says, holding out his hand. “Since you’re walking back… it’s not like you need some cab fare, right?”

It is probably better for him if he cooperates than take the risk and resist. He reaches into his back pocket, only to grasp at air.

_Huh?_

Had he been so excited earlier on that he had left home without his wallet? For a moment, Ayato’s grateful that Hinami wasn't at the cafe. He’d have made a fool of himself if he had made an order without being able to pay.

“What’s the matter, Mr Handsome? Can’t spare a dime for two old men?” the initial man snarls as his companion grabs Ayato by his collar and pushes him against the wall. Hissing from the impact, Ayato scowls.

“I don’t have any money.”

The two men turn to each other before bursting into laughter again. The man holding onto him pulls him closer, close enough for Ayato to smell cigarette smoke and booze on him. Ayato wrinkles his nose, wondering if he used to smell this bad in the past as well, and if so, just how did he even live with it.

“You have something worth money in there, don’t ya?” he snickers. “Like… a phone or something.”

_Phone. With messages. Messages from her— messages that can never get out._

“Let me go,” Ayato snapped, forcefully pushing the man away as he tries to reach for his pocket. The man stumbles backwards, before he raises a thick eyebrow. His face changes from a frown to a quick smile as he reaches into his tattered brown coat to pull out a small knife. The other guy simpers and he takes another drink from his bottle, emptying it of its contents.

“If you wanna play, we have all the time in the world.”

* * *

It’s turning dark by the time he gets home. Opening the front door, he’s initially perplexed at the sounds he hears. The television seems to be turned on, but there isn't supposed to be anyone at home right now— unless Yomo decided to close the shop early, which is a possibility following what had happened.

He bends over to undo his laces, hissing slightly at the pain that shoots through him. Eyeing the gashes on his arm, he wonders how he’ll be able to discreetly clean those wounds now that Yomo’s back home.

He kicks his shoes off and enters the living room. Fully expecting to see his uncle, he stops momentarily at the sight of a head of dark hair.

“Touka?”

“Oh. You’re back,” she says flatly. Sitting lazily on the couch with her feet propped up on the coffee table, his sister’s eyes continue to remain glued to the television screen as she snacks on a packet of chips.

“Why… are you here?”

“The photoshoot got cancelled. The photographer had a family emergency and apparently there is no way we’re doing it with someone who is not the number one camera man in the country,” she mutters. She turns to look at him and immediately she narrows her eyes.

“I can explain,” Ayato says in defence.

“You promise you’d never fight again,” she said solemnly, getting up and walking to him. Still munching on her chips, Touka stops right in front of him. “I’m listening.”

“Self-defence. They tried to attack me.”

“Clearly, you were wandering about in a place where you shouldn't be,” Touka points out. She sighs and walks past him, gesturing for him to follow her.

Touka leads him to the kitchen, rummaging through the cabinets. Ayato recalls the former routine and he takes his place at the table as she pulls out the first aid kit. He’s silent as she sits before him and starts tending to the wounds on his arm. Touka’s thorough in her treatment, picking out every pit of broken glass, no matter how small.

“What the fuck even happened for you to have all these in your arms?” she complained.   


“He... smashed a bottle at me. I shielded with my arms...”   


“Oh really? Brings you back, huh?” she says with a dry laugh. “To the good old days.”

“They weren't really good,” Ayato admits.  _Except for the fact that Mom and Dad were alive._

Touka smiles slightly at his words, her mind seemingly wandering as she cleans his wounds. To him, it seems like she has the same thought in her mind as well. They sit in silence until she’s done dressing his arm up. He figures the bruises on his face aren't too bad, since Touka doesn't pay them much attention until the end, when she eyes them and chuckles a little.

“Better stay at home until those recover,” she explains. She crosses her arms, hardens her expression and matches his eyes. “Okay. Now, explain.”

“I already told you. Self-defence.”

“If they attacked you first, clearly you did something to piss them off,” she points out.

“I wanted to take a shortcut home and they jumped me and asked me for money. But I left my wallet at home,” he says. It’s not the full truth, but it’s not exactly a lie either. Touka continues glaring at him for a few moments later, until she shrugs and sigh.

“You’re an idiot, you know. Don't go to those kinds of places… You might be…” Touka trailed off, biting her lip.

_Hurt? Killed?_

_Or... Tempted to go back there? Influenced into things again? Maybe rediscover my love for whatever’s down there?_

It was on the tip of his tongue to say the very things he believes are on her mind as she sits with such a look on his face. Thinking about it, she had been no different from her parents when it came to their disapproval of him.

_You’re the son of a well-respected doctor and scholar. Why do you keep tarnishing their name?_

He winces at the familiar criticism that rings in his ears at her voice. But there is no longer any anger he feels towards it. Instead he wonders. Why did she give up all her dreams and ambitions for the sake of such a brother? How can she sacrifice so much for someone who never bothered to show even an ounce of his love and care for her?

“I… haven't done anything for you…” he murmurs. The girl's words from earlier plays in his mind once again— _Don't you think he’s riding on her coattail?_

Touka laughs, reaching forward to playfully ruffle his hair. “What are you talking about? That’s not true. You work hard as well. You’re where you are now because of who you are.”

Ayato wants to laugh. 

_Ha. What bull._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapter updates because I've been too lazy to update AO3 after I posted this on tumblr lmao.


	7. Climax

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinami finds out about Ayato’s visit to :re from a friend. After a short conversation with him where he’s completely upset, Hinami goes to compare Kaneki and Touka’s version of Our Song with the siblings’ version. She realises something as she does so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually had this chapter out on tumblr since August but I forgot to update it here, omg. I'm so sorry.

> **_@kenkenhearts_ ** _guys you wouldn’t believe what just happened, I met kirishima ayato today???_
> 
> **_@kenkenhearts_ ** _i was with my school friends and he bumped into us_
> 
> **_@kenkenhearts_ ** _ah but I dont think he looks that good in real life._
> 
> **_@kenkenhearts_ ** _also he was SO RUDE. id say expected of someone who DOESNT KNOW HOW TO WORK HARD and only USES OTHER PEOPLE_
> 
> **_@shuucanhaveme_ ** _where did you see him?????_
> 
> **_@kenkenhearts_ ** _this cafe called :re_
> 
> **_@shuucanhaveme_ ** _lmao but its kinda a pity you met him instead of another goat member. omg you’d die if it was kaneki ken!_
> 
> **_@kenkenhearts_ ** _omg lol ikr????_
> 
> **_@rabbit_buns_ ** _you fucking liar_
> 
> **_@kenkenhearts_ ** _shut up and go back to your talentless loser _|__
> 
> **_@rabbit_buns_ ** _who do you think you’re calling a talentless loser??? if it wasn’t for ayato goat wouldn’t even be this popular._
> 
> **_@kenkenhearts_ ** _yeah cause theyd have to BUILD UP their OWN popularity instead of using a certain big sister… you know… just like oh right the whole of goat EXCEPT for kirishitma??_
> 
> **_@nishiiiiii_ ** _now now stop fighting_

Hinami squints her eyes at the series of tweets in front of her and frowned at its content. It’s been bothering her a little how Ayato hadn’t messaged her at all that day, which is all the more stranger when she remembers him telling her yesterday to look forward to today. She thought he might have actually written out the song he said he would and honestly, she was so excited at the thought of it, she couldn’t concentrate on anything that day. In the end, she spent more time on her phone than she had done before, yet there was no a single text from him.

Hinami reads the tweets again and her eyes catches something she had skimmed past before.

> **_@cloverneki_ ** _wait. cafe :re?_
> 
> _@_ **_shuucanhaveme_ ** _oho~ look who’s online. done studying?_
> 
> **_@nishiiiiii_ ** _eh? clover, cloverrrrrr you work at :re right?_
> 
> **_@kenkenhearts_ ** _clover you work there???????? i never knew! :o_
> 
> **_@cloverneki_ ** _ah… yeah, i do._
> 
> **_@kenkenhearts_ ** _i go to :re all the time!!! don’t tell me you’re the cute barista over there???_
> 
> _@_ **_cloverneki_ ** _i don’t know if i’m cute…_
> 
> **_@rabbit_buns_ ** _shouldn’t you know how she looks like? she was on tv with ayato._
> 
> **_@kenkenhearts_ ** _i didnt bother about the show. its not like kaneki was on it. clover you must have been bummed_
> 
> **_@cloverneki_ ** _huh?_
> 
> **_@kenkenhearts_ ** _youd rather kaneki ken be there with you right instead of that guy_
> 
> **_@cloverneki_ ** _… ayato wasn’t that bad… he was kinda nice._
> 
> **_@nishiiiiii_ ** _oh yeahhh~ the two of you held hands didn’t you. huehuehue_
> 
> **_@shuucanhaveme_ ** _erm… what?_
> 
> **_@kenkenhearts_ ** _lmao clover did you disinfect your hands_

Hinami grimaces at the tweet and clicks her tongue, contemplating her response. Kenkenhearts is a someone notorious for hating on Ayato, but she happens to be apart of Hinami’s group of friends online, simply because she and Hinami spend a lot of time talking about Kaneki together. Hinami had never been bothered much about her tweets and statements regarding Ayato, but now that she knew him personally, she felt the sting of the attack as well.

It must really hurt the idols a lot more when they read such mean messages, she realises. Even if it isn’t much, Hinami’s respect for them climbs a little.

In the midst of typing her own response to Kenkenhearts, Hinami pauses at the new series of tweets that had appeared on the thread.

> **_@rabbit_buns_ ** _just shut the fuck up_
> 
> **_@nishiiiiii_ ** _lmao guys, i just remembered something my friend and i were joking about_
> 
> **_@nishiiiiii_ ** _when we were watching and we noticed that ayato could barely keep his eyes off her_
> 
> **_@nishiiiiii_ ** _is this a scandal im sensing~~ maybe he went to see @cloverneki_
> 
> **_@nishiiiiii_ ** _jkjk_
> 
> **_@kenkenhearts_ ** _ugh you better be kidding_
> 
> **_@shuucanhaveme_ ** _why would he even bother with her? i bet ayato has more classy girls to care about than girls like us._
> 
> **_@rabbit_buns_ ** _ah but if he does go to see her… im jealous… lol ==_
> 
> **_@nishiiiiii_ ** _guys please it was a joke…_

Ayato had told her he had something planned for her today and for him to show up suddenly at her workplace— surely this is no coincidence, especially since she had told him many times before about the place she worked at. But to think that he’d spend some time going out just to see her seems a little too unbelievable. She deletes her previous tweet and types something else out instead.

> **_@cloverneki_ ** _ah… i could have made him a cappuccino…_
> 
> **_@kenkenhearts_ ** _why would you want to make him one_
> 
> **_@nishiiiiii_ ** _come on it’s not everyday you make something for an idol…_
> 
> **_@niahiiiii_ ** _why a cappuccino though?_
> 
> **_@rabbit_buns_ ** _ayato said in an interview once that he doesn’t drink coffee because too much caffeine isn’t good for the body._
> 
> **_@kenkenhearts_ ** _of course you’d know that -.-_
> 
> **_@rabbit_buns_ ** _-.-_

Hinami is also pretty sure Ayato had mentioned that cappuccino is his favourite drink and that his uncle tends to make it for him occasionally. She wonders for a moment how his uncle’s coffee tastes like. In fact, she wonders about that uncle and how he feels having two really successful relatives and she notices that he must be a really humble man to not use them as advertisements for his cafe. He must be a good guy, a lot like her own manager. Maybe managers of cafes and coffee shops are good people in the first place— to fit in perfectly with the quaint and peaceful ambiences associated with them. Ayato’s uncle must be a lot like Yomo.

> **_@shuucanhaveme_ ** _then what would he be doing in a cafe if he hates coffee?_
> 
> **_@kenkenhearts_ ** _hes a liar. i bet he sits at home with cans of coffee._
> 
> **_@nishiiiiii_ ** _oooor maaaaybe, he did go to see clover~ A K A THE GIRL HE FELL IN LOVE WITH ONSTAGE_
> 
> **_@rabbit_buns_ ** _all of you really need to shut up_

Hinami gasps a little at Nishiiiiii’s tweets, jumping a little in her place. Of course, she meant it as a joke, but Hinami’s heart pounds in her chest at the idea and with her friends’ insistent jokes, Hinami finds herself actually starting to believe her words— or at least, the bit about him going there to see her.

> **_@cloverneki_ ** _anyway i’ll talk to you soon! school stuff to do and all. bye!_

She doesn’t even bother to wait for their replies. Hinami is immediately out of the app and searching through her contacts for that one name. Unlike herself, she hits it without any hesitation and presses the phone to her ear.

She doubts she’s ever waited as long for someone to pick up the phone, or at least, the wait never feels that long. It continues to ring in her ears, but it doesn’t seem to register to her, overpowered by the thundering beating of her heart.

After a while, her mind wanders and she wonders why he hasn’t picked up. Maybe he got bored of her, which is why his texts stopped as well. Maybe that is what his plan is— to stop talking to her entirely. Her heart races faster, but her lungs don’t seem to be keeping up. Her throat constricts and she hears a soft choke spill out of her mouth. Did he really plan this— to keep her waiting for something so badly in anticipation, only for it to be the biggest rejection of all time? She blinks a couple of times, feeling her eyes water. She had been convinced so thoroughly that Ayato is a good person. She simply can’t imagine something like this happening.

“Hello?”

Her heart stops at the voice and her body completely freezes up. She lifts the phone off her ear to check the screen. Yes, it’s answered. No, it’s not her imagination.

“Ayato?!”

“Ah… Hi-Hinami? Oh my god… I’m sorry for today. I—argh… fuck…— was going to… kugh…” His voice is punctuated with groans and hisses amidst deep breathing and panting and Hinami realises she’s been worrying about something completely wrong. Something else might have happened.

“Ayato, are you okay?”

“Y…yeah, I’m fine… I just got hurt just now and… I just took a shower and my arm… It fucking hurts… God, I forgot how painful it is to get cut by a glass bottle,” he complains.

“A glass bottle? What happened? It sounds painful…”

“Oh, nothing much just an accident…” he says. “Sorry I didn’t text you today… I… wanted to surprise you.”

“Yeah, you told me to wait for something… Was it your visit to :re?” she asks.

“How do you know I went to :re…? Did that old man tell you?”

“Old man? I saw it online. The owner of a really big Goat fan account saw you.”

Ayato falls silent for a moment, wordless for long enough that without his breaths, she might have thought he hung up. After a long while, he finally takes an even deeper breath and says, “Hinami… I probably should get some rest…”

She senses the difference in his tone even if he was trying to hide it and she wonders if Kenkenhearts had said something to offend him earlier on in the day.

“Ayato… are you okay?”

There’s a long silence again, just like the previous ones, only heavier. It feels like that there’s a barrier that’s threatening to break, yet not shattering just yet. Ayato takes another deep breath.

“Did you know that Kaneki and my sister did a cover of  _Our Song_?” he asks softly.

“Yeah. I haven’t watched it yet though…”

“I heard it’s better than the original,” Ayato says, with a soft choke that almost misses her attention. But Hinami’s ears have always been sharp and she notices the littlest of sounds even when most people can’t.

She saw the comments as well. Hinami understands why Ayato might be upset but even then, there is a logical explanation to it. Kaneki is a far better vocalist than Touka is, since Touka’s main role is that of a rapper and since Touka is more experienced than Ayato, it makes sense she’s better than him at the raps.

But even then, there were other songs covered from Rabbit’s album that people felt were better done by the siblings.

“But the cover of  _Pain_  was—”

“I don’t care about that!” he cries out, cutting into her words. “The rest… don’t matter…”

“I… I’m sure that one day you’ll be better… You’ll catch up to them, don’t worry! You’ll improv—”

“So will they!”

“Ayato, if you just keep working hard, I’m sure—”

“Hinami,” he cuts in again.

“W-What is it?”

“There’s no use.”

“Ayato?”

“I’m going to rest. Good night.” He doesn’t wait for her to respond, doesn’t even give a chance for her to register his goodbye. The call cuts right there and Hinami remains rooted to the spot, phone still pressed against her ear as her mind reels.

Ayato sounded so upset— the same Ayato who flushed in embarrassment at being in a room alone with her, who awkwardly asked for her number, who took three days to finally come round to messing her through a feigned mis-text, who continues to amuse and entertain her even when she’s talking about the most mundane of things and who planned a trip to :re to surprise her. As an idol, he’s stoic and mysterious, but as a friend, he had all along been welcoming and amiable.

This is the first time he had been the person to cut the conversation short and it’s not even due to reasons like work.

Still in part confusion, Hinami opened up her twitter app again and scrolled through the series of tweets that had appeared while she was on the phone with Ayato. It seemed like Kenkenhearts had moved on from talking to their mutual group, but is now engaging with her other followers, who seemed to have jumped on the bandwagon in criticising Ayato. It’s a common sight on her timeline, but this time, Hinami can’t bring herself to scroll past them and she reads ever single hateful and critical tweet put out there.

_Cruel_ , she thinks,  _they don’t even know him._ But even then, that’s what being an idol is like, she supposes. Standing up on stage and bearing themselves out to thousands of strangers, leaving themselves vulnerable to the strangest of peoples. Ayato has been an idol for a few years already and it’s nothing new to see people criticising him online, but it’s only now that Hinami actually sits and thinks about how he has to deal with it— how he has to wake up everyday and go to work, knowing that there are people out there who thinks that he doesn’t deserve what he has, that he doesn’t work hard, that he should just quit and that he doesn’t have talent of his own.

Hinami herself feels shallow. She’s seen tweets like that before. She’s laughed at those that were exceptionally funny. But simply because he’s now a friend and is someone she knows personally, she can’t bear to see them anymore. She wonders what kind of a hypocrite that makes her— what kind of a terrible human being she is.

She returns to her desk and turns on her computer. Ayato had made it seem like the whole issue started with the cover Token did of  _Our Song_. A quick search on YouTube later, Hinami is leaning back in her seat and watching the official recording of the concert Token had been a part of.

The familiar melody starts and for a moment, Hinami feels like she’s back on stage again. It’s been awhile since that event but even up till now, Hinami finds herself recalling her moment with Ayato whenever  _Our Song_ comes on. She forces her attention back to the video, wanting to confirm for herself if what people were saying online is really true. Maybe she’ll find the original better and she’s sure Ayato will appreciate at least one person saying that it’s good, especially if it’s someone really close to him.  

Even if it’s Kaneki onstage, Hinami can’t seem to get excited. His voice is as deep and emotional as always and even if it is the sibling’s songs, it feels like Kaneki conveys the exact same emotions that the song has all along been about. She feels the sense of abandonment and loneliness but to an extent amplified by unfathomable amounts. Kaneki’s talent enables him to bring plenty of lines to higher notes, with more screams and hums than Touka has ever done in her performances. Even as Touka raps, Kaneki’s voice continues in the background, not overwhelming her, but supporting her. Her rap is better as well and the words flow with the beat so much more rhythmically than Ayato’s ever had.

Token’s version is better than Rabbit’s— it’s an undeniable fact that Hinami herself can’t argue against. It’s no wonder the response online seems to be almost unanimous.

_So much for cheering him up._ There’s no way Hinami can go up to him and say what she’s been meaning to say. While she does want to cheer him up, she doesn’t want to lie and delude him. Ayato must be feeling really terrible and inadequate right now and Hinami herself seems to share the sentiment, especially as she sits in front of her computer screen completely at a loss and with no idea on how to make him feel better.

She doesn’t know what to do so she leans forward and does a quick search— this time, for Rabbit’s performance. She chooses the video with the highest number of views, assuming it is their best performance, and plays it, trying her best to focus on Ayato this time. She’s watched their performances a lot but Hinami’s always been more of Touka’s fan than Ayato’s. Her attention had always been on Touka more so than on Ayato. For the first time, Hinami watches Rabbit with her eyes glued on Ayato.

And she notices something she’s never seen before; Ayato doesn’t look happy at all.

Granted, it’s a sad song but it’s still possible to get completely into character when performing and yet still enjoy the experience even when the material is depressing. She’s seen countless of idols pull that off before. But Ayato doesn’t seem to be enjoying at all. He doesn’t seem to even want to be on stage. He ends the song still grimacing, as Touka smiles weakly at the fans. 

It seems, to him, it really is just a job.

_Maybe he was having a bad day,_  she thinks as she searches for another performance. One after another, she scrutinises the performances. Never once did Ayato seem comfortable being on stage as he performs  _Our Song_. A quick search for Goat’s performances confirms that he’s not always like that. He doesn’t seem to share the passion Kaneki or Tsukiyama seems to exhibit, but he does look like he’s enjoying himself when he’s out with Goat.

_Then, what exactly is the issue?_

Touka? Can it be that Ayato might have personal issues with his sister? As she wrecks her mind, she can’t seem to think of any situation where Ayato might have hinted to her that he has certain problems with Touka. If anything, despite him complaining about her occasionally, Ayato has always appeared to be someone who really looks up to and loves his sister, just like he appears to be when they’re on air. It can all be an act, but even in person Ayato did seem to really respect her. It’s unlikely that all of that was an act. She doubts it’s Touka. She doubts he’s capable of being that great an actor, especially since he seemed to be trying to hold back on the phone but his voice was betraying how upset he was. It has to be something else.

The only logical solution she can come up with is that the problem is the song itself. That’ll explain Ayato’s outburst earlier on and why he can’t be bothered if other songs he performed with Touka are better. What exactly about this song has Ayato all obsessed with how he people seemed to react to it? Why can’t he be bothered about the fact that people were saying  _Pain_ was performed better by the siblings? Why just  _Our Song_ and why is his response so drastic?

The answer comes to her almost immediately—  _it’s the song he wrote._

Ayato’s dream is to release a ballad album entirely written and composed by him.  _Our Song_ is the first step to that dream, yet he’s being told that he can’t even perform it well, that someone else is better at performing  _his_ song than he is. Hinami chokes at the realization and she feels a part of her heart shatter. She can only imagine how it must feel for him. 

The fan in Hinami is adamant. He’s in the entertainment industry. It’s common for people to compare an idol with another. It’s natural that someone will be better than you. It’s a competitive world. You cant just expect everything to go your away.

But Hinami’s more than a simple fan and as much as she likes Kaneki, she’s a little bitter. Just why did he have to go and sing  _Our Song_ with Touka?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is not discontinued or anything, but I've been taking a break from it in favor of my newest story which I'm going to upload right after this. Personally I've been getting more attention for that fic on tumblr and it resulted in a lot of motivation to complete that one first. :p 
> 
> I hope people continue to show them some support!

**Author's Note:**

> Do leave a comment if you liked this! I enjoy reading what my readers think of my fics. =w=


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